Funny Poem Fairy Tale: How Rudeness and Kindness Were Justly Rewarded

Leda and the swan by Mara ~ earth light ~ @ flickrHow Rudeness and Kindness Were Justly RewardedONCE on a time, long years ago (Just when I quite forget),Two maidens lived beside the Po,One blonde and one brunette.The blonde one's character was mild,From morning until night she smiled,Whereas the one whose hair was brownDid little else than pine and frown. (I think one ought to draw the lineAt girls who always frown and pine!) The blonde one learned to play the harp, Like all accomplished dames,And trained her voice to take C sharpAs well as Emma Eames;Made baskets out of scented grass,And paper-weights of hammered brass,And lots of other odds and endsFor gentleman and lady friends. (I think it takes a deal of senseTo manufacture gifts for gents!) The dark one wore an air of gloom, Proclaimed the world a bore,And took her breakfast in her room Three mornings out of four.With crankiness she seemed imbued,And everything she said was rude:She sniffed, and sneered, and, what is more,When very much provoked, she swore! (I think that I could never care For any girl who'd learned to swear!) One day the blonde was striding past A forest, all alone,When all at once her eyes she cast Upon a wrinkled crone,Who tottered near with shaking knees,And said: "A penny, if you please!"And you will learn with some surpriseThis was a fairy in disguise! (I think it must be hard to know A fairy who's incognito!) The maiden filled her trembling palms With coinage of the realm.The fairy said: "Take back your alms! My heart they overwhelm.Henceforth at every word shall slipA pearl or ruby from your lip!"And, when the girl got home that night, -She found the fairy's words were right!(I think there are not many girls Whose words are worth their weight in pearls!) It happened that the cross brunette, Ten minutes later, cameAlong the self-same road, and metThat bent and wrinkled dame,Who asked her humbly for a sou.The girl replied: "Get out with you!"The fairy cried: "Each word you drop,A toad from out your mouth shall hop!" (I think that nothing incommodesOne's speech like uninvited toads!) And so it was, the cheerful blonde Lived on in joy and bliss,And grew pecunious, beyondThe dreams of avariceAnd to a nice young man was wed,And I have often heard it saidNo other man who ever walkedMost loved his wife when most she talked!(I think this very fact, forsooth,Goes far to prove I tell the truth!) The cross brunette the fairy's jokeBy hook or crook survived,But still at every word she spokeAn ugly toad arrived, Until at last she had to come To feigning she was wholly dumb, Whereat the suitors swarmed around, And soon a wealthy mate she found.(I think nobody ever knewThe happier husband of the two!) The Moral of the tale is: Bah!Nous avons change tout cela.No clear idea I hope to strikeOf what our nicest girl is like,But she whose best young man I amIs not an oyster, nor a clam!by Guy Wetmore Carryl (1873-1904)"How Rudeness and Kindness Were Justly Rewarded" is reprinted from Grimm Tales Made Gay. Guy Wetmore Carryl. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1902.*** Return to original post: Funny Poet: Guy Wetmore Carryl*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

Funny Poem Fairy Tale: How Beauty Contrived to Get Square With the Beast

Renaissance Robin Photo by Denny Lyon How Beauty Contrived to Get Square With the BeastMISS Guinevere PlattWas so beautiful thatShe couldn't remember the dayWhen one of her swainsHadn't taken the painsTo send her a mammoth bouquet.And the postman had found,On the whole of his round,That no one received such a lotOf bulky epistlesAs, waiting his whistles,The beautiful Guinevere got! A significant signThat her charm was divineWas seen in society, whenThe chaperons sniffedWith their eyebrows alift:"Whatever's got into the men?" There was always a manWho was holding her fan,And twenty that danced in details, And a couple of mourners,Who brooded in corners,And gnawed their mustaches and nails. John Jeremy PlattWouldn't stay in the flat,For his beautiful daughter he missed:When he'd taken his tub,He would hie to his club,And dally with poker or whist. At the end of a yearIt was perfectly clearThat he'd never computed the cost, For he hadn't a pennyTo settle the manyTen thousands of dollars he'd lost! F. Ferdinand FifeWas a student of life:He was coarse, and excessively fat, With a beard like a goat's,But he held all the notesOf ruined John Jeremy Platt! With an adamant smileThat was brimming with guile,He said: "I am took with the face Of your beautiful daughter,And wed me she ought ter,To save you from utter disgrace!" Miss Guinevere Platt Didn't hesitate atHer duty's imperative call. When they looked at the bride All the chaperons cried:"She isn't so bad, after all!"Of the desolate men There were something like tenWho took up political lives, And the flower of the flock Went and fell off a dock,And the rest married hideous wives! But the beautiful wife Of F. Ferdinand FifeWas the wildest that ever was known:She'd grumble and glare, Till the man didn't dareTo say that his soul was his own. She sneered at his ills,And quadrupled his bills,And spent nearly twice what he earned; Her husband deserted,And frivoled, and flirted,Till Ferdinand's reason was turned. He repented too late,And his terrible fateUpon him so heavily sat,That he swore at the dayWhen he sat down to playAt cards with John Jeremy Platt.He was dead in a year,And the fair GuinevereIn society sparkled again,While the chaperons flutteredTheir fans, as they muttered:"She's getting exceedingly plain!"The Moral: Predicaments often are foundThat beautiful duty is apt to get round:But greedy extortioners better bewareFor dutiful beauty is apt to get square!by Guy Wetmore Carryl (1873-1904)"How Beauty Contrived to Get Square With the Beast" is reprinted from Grimm Tales Made Gay. Guy Wetmore Carryl. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1902.*** Return to original post: Funny Poet: Guy Wetmore Carryl*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

Funny Poem Fairy Tale: How Little Red Riding Hood Came to Be Eaten

Little Red Riding Hood by Krystn Palmer Photography @ flickrHow Little Red Riding Hood Came to Be EatenMOST worthy of praiseWere the virtuous waysOf Little Red Riding Hood's Ma,And no one was everMore cautious and cleverThan Little Red Riding Hood's Pa.They never mislead,For they meant what they said,And would frequently say what they meant:And the way she should goThey were careful to show,And the way that they showed her, she went.For obedience she was effusively thanked,And for anything else she was carefully spanked. It thus isn't strangeThat Red Riding Hood's rangeOf virtues so steadily grew,That soon she was prizesOf different sizes,And golden encomiums, too!As a general ruleShe was head of her school,And at six was so notably smartThat they gave her a chequeFor reciting, "The Wreckof the Hesperus," wholly by heart!And you all will applaud her the more, I am sure,When I add that this money she gave to the poor. At eleven this lassHad a Sunday-school class,At twelve wrote a volume of verse,At thirteen was yearningFor glory, and learningTo be a professional nurse.To a glorious heightThe young paragon mightHave grown, if not nipped in the bud,But the following yearStruck her smiling careerWith a dull and a sickening thud!(I have shed a great tear at the thought of her pain,And must copy my manuscript over again!) Not dreaming of harmOne day on her armA basket she hung. It was filledWith jellies, and ices,And gruel, and spices,And chicken-legs, carefully grilled,And a savory stew,And a novel or twoShe'd persuaded a neighbor to loan,And a hot-water can,And a Japanese fan,And a bottle of eau-de-cologne,And the rest of the things that your family fillYour room with, whenever you chance to be ill! She expected to findHer decrepit but kindOld Grandmother waiting her call,But the visage that met herCompletely upset her:It wasn't familiar at all!With a whitening cheekShe started to speak,But her peril she instantly saw: --Her Grandma had fled,And she'd tackled insteadFour merciless Paws and a Maw!When the neighbors came running, the wolf to subdue,He was licking his chops, (and Red Riding Hood's, too!) At this terrible taleSome readers will pale,And others with horror grow dumb,And yet it was better,I fear, he should get her:Just think what she might have become!For an infant so keenMight in future have beenA woman of awful renown,Who carried on fightsFor her feminine rightsAs the Mare of an Arkansas town.She might have continued the crime of her 'teens,And come to write verse for the Big Magazines! The Moral: There's nothing much glummerThan children whose talents appall:One much prefers those who are dumber,But as for the paragons small,If a swallow cannot make a summerIt can bring on a summary fall!by Guy Wetmore Carryl (1873-1904)"How Little Red Riding Hood Came to Be Eaten" is reprinted from Grimm Tales Made Gay. Guy Wetmore Carryl. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1902.*** Return to original post: Funny Poet: Guy Wetmore Carryl*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!