*** When a reporter like Helen Thomas becomes the news it's quite a mess. Leave it to the comics to lampoon the situation.
The giraffe looks over Helen's shoulder and says, "Bye bye, ol' girl, be seeing ya!"
From Denny: Poor Helen Thomas. She had a really bad senior moment this week and had to retire as a result of anti-Jew remarks. Or should I say pro-Palestinian remarks. When you look at the film clip she actually looks kind of spacey in the eyes and like she can't really hear what all was said. She looks like she bluffed her way through the exchange because she really didn't catch the full gist of the conversation. She might have been referring to when Israel was not a formalized country, like pre-1948. Frankly, she rambled and didn't make much sense, throwing out broken sentences.
She's a very old lady and obviously blew it. She can't keep up any more and she was past time to retire. She could probably still write in print as long as she has a minder-editor to strike out any gaffes. Anyway, Jon had fun lampooning her outrageous comments.
Jon Stewart takes on Helen Thomas' idiot anti-Jew remarks. He has fun lampooning the South Carolina race with all the crazy sex scandals, like a gay guy claiming he had sex with Haley, the female Republican candidate. What a funny respite from the harsh news of late! :)
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*** Feeling stressed or bored? Check out some funny political cartoons, funny Colbert videos and a roundup of funny jokes from the late night comics this week.From Denny: And we are sending in the air troops to spy on BP in the Gulf to report back to the President about their latest weasel lies of what they claim to be doing and aren't. Lady Karma can be a real bitch for multi-national company CEOs like BP's Tony Hayward. Guess he will have to forego his lucrative bonus this quarter. The word is from Huffington Post that BP is losing billions of dollars every week. Awwww... everyone raise their hand who feels sorry for little Tony who "wants his life back." Uh, yeah, and so do several thousand other people on the Gulf Coast from Louisiana to Mississippi to Alabama to Florida. And the rest of the nation is also thrilled Hayward is so sensitive to the environment, the once pristine beaches, the great vacation spots formerly known as beautiful and clean. The continued insensitivity of Hayward is astounding. Today he tried to say it was not his toxic banned-in-the-UK-for-10-years dispersant that caused sudden onset of serious respiratory illnesses in thousands of clean up workers. He blamed it on food poisoning. This guy is one cold hearted rat bastard.The reality is from the oil industry is that oil relief wells generally take 10 months to complete. And that's without facing down a predicted violent hurricane season in the Gulf. There are seven hurricanes predicted to be a category three or greater - like the one that hit and drowned New Orleans.The other ugly reality is that as this well continues to gush oil there is only so much space in the Gulf before the currents begin taking it up the Eastern seaboard and destroy oyster beds and fishing on the Atlantic Coast. That same current goes over to Britain and the European coast. If this thing goes on long enough we could have one very sick and dying ocean.Again, Mr. President, why are the Super Tankers not out in the Gulf sucking up the oil as it gushes out of the ocean floor? There is no reason for clean up on a smaller scale as you have been doing. Get BP a minder, like Shell Oil, to instruct and watch over their shoulders as they work - and make BP pay for it. BP has hundreds of safety violations compared to a handful for other oil companies. Clearly, they are reckless cowboys.While it's great you have moved to criminal prosecution this will not quell the anger on the Gulf Coast. What we want is a huge clean up operation far beyond what is going on right now. Get serious about freezing at least $15 billion of BP's assets before they decide to move their monies or go into bankruptcy. Do not delay or poke your head into the sand. If you ignore the obvious then Lady Karma will only kick you in your assets and the American public will hang you out to dry.Fortunately, during this wait-and-see-what-the-business-and-political-idiots-will-try-next-time, there is good ol' Colbert and his wonderful mock 'em all sense of humor. Check out his funny video clips and what the late night comics have to say about the state of America and the world. We all know you will remember this better than any facts in a history book. Funny videos from Colbert:Funny Video: Colbert Gives Domino Pizza Alpha Dog AwardFunny Video: Colbert Mocks Surburban Backyard Clothesline TerroristFunny Video: Colberts ThreatDown of Food Police, Jazz Robots, Pretty GirlsFrom Jay Leno:Well, folks, here's the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the 'top kill' plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels.British Petroleum is still trying to minimize the PR damage. You know what they said today? They said all the oil that spilled this month is on the house. No charge.Obama looked pretty mad, if you watched his press conference today. President Obama said the head the Federal agency in charge of regulating the oil company is no longer there, but he didn't know if she resigned or if she was fired. Didn't know if she resigned or was fired. I got a better idea. How about arrested? Let's try that."Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay LenoAnd now, here's something that's going to get a lot of people upset. It turns out according to a report by the Interior Department Inspector General, employees of the Federal agency that inspects these offshore oil rigs accepted gifts from the oil companies. And you know who arranged the payoffs? Fergie.According to a White House report, President Obama becoming more and more frustrated by this whole oil leak thing. He lost his temper today. He reportedly yelled at people, 'Plug the damn hole!' That's the same thing he says whenever Joe Biden starts talking.President Obama announced yesterday he plans to send 1,200 troops to the U.S.-Mexican border. You know who we should hire to protect our border? It's so simple. Mexicans. They want jobs, they're there already.
Hey, today is National Tap Dancing Day. Yes, this is the day we honor BP executives trying to explain the gulf oil disaster.One of the big gambling Web sites published odds on what species would be the first to become extinct from the oil spill. Unbelievable. You know the odds-on favorite? Democrat.Sarah Palin has now weighed in on the gulf oil spill. Finally, the voice of reason. She said that President Obama should grasp the complexity of the situation. Sarah Palin giving advice on complexity. What, was Snooki from 'Jersey Shore' unavailable?Oh man, and the stock market. Another bad day. The market is so bad, BP had to lay off 15 senators.In Idaho, Republican Congressional candidate Vaughn Ward is in trouble after he was caught plagiarizing a famous speech by Barack Obama. When they asked this guy if he thought he could get away with this, you know what he said? 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!'And over the weekend, at the Shanghai World Expo, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The kids politely accepted the bears even though, you know, they made them.Well, folks, it seems that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, much worse than British Petroleum first reported. You know how bad it is? Yesterday, I checked the oil in my car, had seawater on it.And because of the ocean currents, experts say oil from the Gulf could easily spread up the East Coast all the way to the Carolinas. In fact, today, people in North Carolina said they hadn't seen anything this slick and slimy since the John Edwards campaign.And last week, Mexican President Felipe Calderóne spoke at the White House. He called for a ban on assault weapons, and he also wanted to know why do we keep calling Taco Bell Mexican food?Calderóne also lashed out against Arizona's new immigration law. To give you an idea of how serious he is, he is calling for Mexicans to boycott sneaking into this country until that law is repealed.At the White House, speaking last week, a rodent ran in front of President Obama as he stood at the podium. In fact, the rat was picked up on the microphone going, 'How do I get off this sinking ship?'Another bad day for the stock market. The stock market is bad. It's so bad, for a lot of brokers now, there's a half-hour waiting line to get on the ledge.Oh, and scientists in Maryland say they have created the first ever synthetic cell. They say their goal is to create a life form that can withstand lead products from China, volcanic ash from Iceland and contaminated water from the Gulf of Mexico.And a Montana man has admitted that he killed a bald eagle, but his alibi is he thought it was a porcupine. How blind do you have to be to mistake a bald eagle for a porcupine? Anyway, the guy pleaded guilty so he could get back to his regular job inspecting oil rigs.BP is saying that the oil leak is bigger than they estimated. In a related story, the executives at BP are far bigger idiots than we estimated.A very embarrassing moment for Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who was running for the Senate. He's the guy who lied about his war record. He was overheard telling his wife, 'After the campaign, let's take a vacation and go somewhere I've never been.' She said, 'How about Vietnam?'A family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder, has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. Apparently Souder would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling.Lakers Coach Phil Jackson is coming under fire for some comments he made in support of Arizona's immigration law. He's a basketball coach. He can take a tough stand on immigration. Try doing that with a baseball team. There wouldn't be anybody left.There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they're both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people.The U.S. Navy announced this week they are now using sea lions to fight terrorism. They did a drill this week where they hid a bomb underwater. A trained sea lion found the bomb in less than a minute. The bad news? He then balanced the bomb on his nose, threw it back at the trainer.In Supreme Court news, the Elena Kagan confirmation hearings will begin around June 28. I guess they have to wait until softball season's over.And in Connecticut, Attorney General Dick Blumenthal's campaign is now saying there are only four times that Blumenthal said he served in Vietnam when he really didn't. That's what politics has come down to now, when your campaign slogan is, 'I only lied four times.'Blumenthal said he is not apologizing for misleading people about his war record. He said all he did was use the word 'in' instead of the word 'during.' He insists he just 'misspoke.' You know, like using the word 'misspoke' instead of the word 'lying.'
From David Letterman:Well, Memorial Day weekend is ahead. I know it's only Wednesday, but you want to get a jump on being stuck at the airport for 24 hours.Memorial Day is the day we honor military heroes with a mattress blowout sale at Sleepy's.Ladies and gentlemen, this week is the 25th anniversary of Fleet Week, which is early this year, because the people in the Navy and the Coast Guard all wanted to get to the harbor before the oil slick did.You starting to get sick about the economy again? I was talking to my broker today. And he said: 'Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine.' Then the prison guards took him away.This is the end of the big TV viewing season. For example, 'Lost,' that's gone. 'Law & Order,' wrapping it up. Also say goodbye to the Gulf of Mexico.British Petroleum is now saying the oil spill was caused by a bad underwater cement job. You don't have that problem with the mob.John McCain is angry with British Petroleum. But in all fairness, he's had a grudge against the British since the Revolutionary War.Elena Kagan is the new Supreme Court nominee. If she's not confirmed, she is a Mets fan, so she's used to disappointment.
From Jimmy Kimmel:President Obama's big financial reform bill passed. From now on, bankers will be required to dress like robbers.They put a cap on ATM transaction fees, though a lot of the senators didn't want to discuss it because they've never used an ATM. The Senate has mobile cash machines — they're called 'lobbyists.'From Jimmy Fallon:A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans.And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government does not have better technology than BP. That's a nice thing to announce to the world, that our government has fewer resources than a company that tried to plug a hole with a 'top hat.'In fact, President Obama fired the head of the Mineral Management Services, because of lack of oversight of offshore oil rigs. It's got to be tough finding another job after that. It's like, 'I see you were head of the department in charge of preventing oil spills? And this was during the huge oil spill?' 'Yeah, that's right.' 'You may not be Wendy's material.'Last night was the finale of 'Dancing With the Stars' and Kate Gosselin made an appearance. I don't want to say it was bad, but this morning, the Pakistani Taliban took credit for it.BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean.The White House is backing a new plan to repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' They want to relax the harsh standard and implement their new policy, 'Just Try To Not Make It Super Obvious.'BP said today that in the worst-case scenario, it would take until August to clean up the Gulf Coast. That's not so bad. I mean, who goes in the ocean during the summer anyway?Octomom Nadya Suleman has a PETA sign in her front yard that encourages people to have their pets spayed or neutered. Isn't that kind of like BP putting out a sign that says 'Don't pee in the pool?'I heard that Paul McCartney invited the Jonas Brothers to his tribute at the White House next Wednesday because he thinks of them as the next Beatles. The Jonases were like, 'Oh, man, that is so nice of you — who are the Beatles?'It's pretty hard for fans of 'Lost' now that it's finally over. If people want to get their fix, they'll have to follow that other group that's lost and confused in the middle of the ocean. You know, BP.Fox News is launching a Web site this fall aimed at the Latino population. Latinos were like, 'Wait, what is Fox News aiming at?'On Saturday, Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to children in China. That was a nice break for the children from their job of making teddy bears.
From Bill Maher:How to describe Rand Paul? I mean, he's a doctor. It's as if Sarah Palin somehow made it through medical school. –Bill Maher, on Kentucky Senate candidate and Tea Party hero Rand PaulHe's an ophthalmologist, he does a lot of lasik surgery, and he has a lot of interesting points of view. Like he thinks Obama, because he went to Copenhagen where they were talking about global warming, is apologizing for the industrial revolution. He's against the Americans With Disabilities Act. He says restaurants should be able to refuse service to black people. And today, he said Obama was un-American for getting on BP's case for the oil spill. I tell you, the s**t doesn't fall far from the bat. –Bill Maher, on Rand Paul, son of Rep. Ron PaulEvery time this guy opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that the liberal media stop quoting him in context.I guess he's trying to get the press to get off the racism thing, so his big thing today was that the oil spill in the Gulf was the blame game. He said, 'Sometimes accidents happen.' Which is not really what you want to hear from the guy who's doing your lasik surgery.Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.Sunday, listen to this, they’re going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid.
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*** Colbert in funny form mocking just about everything once held sacred like food, jazz and beautiful women.
From Denny: Colbert is his usual cheeky self when he takes on threats to our country - the militaristic food police fighting national obesity, robots that can play jazz and dig it at the same time and pretty girls who give men heart attacks by raising their stress hormones. Hear Colbert comment upon society's ills and quirks.
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From Denny: Colbert is in rare funny form as he mocks Glenn Beck's messiah complex. Beck claims to hear from God about The Plan That Is Really Not A Plan. Beckerheads are what Colbert calls those glassy-eyed vacant minded Beck fans. Take a look as Beck compares himself also to Martin Luther King. Like Beck could even stand in the same room, pahleez!
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*** Funny volcano and weather quotes, jokes, political cartoons and funny video all designed to make you laugh til your boss fires you for "excessive merriment."The latest volcano hair style in ash white...From Denny: While we are all waiting breathlessly for the tacky BP oil spill jokes to emerge, beyond the great political cartoons already posted on this blog, why not indulge the volcano jokes? Iceland has a great sense of humor about impending disaster and the slow burn of economic die-off just like here in south Louisiana. We both seem to have that "gallows humor" going on. If you can't poke fun at yourself and the crazy world we live in where's the fun in life? Besides, on the serious uptake, laughing takes off the pressure so you can do some serious problem-solving in your life. Someone send all my funny posts and funny blogs to BP because they definitely need something to help them solve the gargantuan problem in the Gulf.
Please attach a cover letter warning them that Congress has amended American law to include lying as an offense punishable by the minimum of 50 years hard labor for each lie. There is no consideration for time served and no cap for the judge's sentencing guidelines, just thought you might like to know that Republican styled "tort reform" tidbit. Each liar is responsible for their own lies, including CEOs, PR agents, lobbyists, politicians and lawyers. Read that as "Do not pass Go - it's straight to jail with you." Might I also suggest the perfect incarceration arrangements? Louisiana's famous prison called Angola is the maximum security prison of your choice, comprised of many interesting neighborly companions. Yeah, it's no country club and is an outstanding recommendation from the people of the Gulf Coast. Many thanks go to British Petroleum for giving us all much to lampoon. It's not every day you get to "enjoy" your very own environmental disaster in your life time. :)Cheeky Quote of the day: Don't dance on a volcano. - French Proverb (self-explanatory)
Iceland Volcano JokesI see that America has declared war on Iceland. Apparently they are accusing them of harboring a "weapon of ash eruption." It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe. Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written all over it. Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash. Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone. Richard Curtis is working on a new romp-com about people stuck in an airport who fall in love. The working title is "Lava Actually."
Strange Facts About Volcanoes:The loudest noise ever known was produced by a volcanic eruption at Krakatoa, near Javan, in 1883. The sound was heard in Australia, 5000 km away. When Laki volcano in Iceland erupted in 1783, its lava flow stretched 65 km, the longest ever recorded. There are over 500 active volcanoes in the world. About 20 per cent of all volcanoes are underwater. About 20 to 30 volcanoes erupt each year, mostly under the sea. Lava from an erupting volcano may be as hot as 1200 degrees centigrade.
Volcano Quotes* Don't dance on a volcano. - French Proverb (self-explanatory)* If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom? - Kahlil Gibran* Volcano: A mountain with hiccups. - Anonymous* I see the mind of a five year old as a volcano with two vents : destructiveness and creativeness. - Sylvia Warner* Great acting can be almost a psychotic mix of self-consciousness and unself-consciousness. And that's the terrible conflict. You have to be free to jump off into that volcano and you have to be pathologically self-conscious. - Alec Baldwin, actor* All civilization has from time to time become a thin crust over a volcano of revolution. - Havelock Ellis * Zeal is a volcano, the peak of which the grass of indecisiveness does not grow. - Kahlil Gibran (Lebanese born American philosophical Essayist, Novelist and Poet. 1883-1931)* Desire is storm, greed is whirlpool, pride is precipice, attachment is avalanche, ego is volcano. Discard desire and you are liberated. - Sri Sathya Sai Baba quotes (Indian Spiritual leader, b.1926)Weather JokesFrom weatherimages.orgThe Unemployed WeathermanAlthough he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."The Call in the Middle of the NightA husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."The Top 15 Odd Side Effects of Hurricanes (as told during the Bush years) 15. Anti-terrorist cruise missile blown off course "just happens" to land on Special Investigator Ken Starr. (the guy who came up with bogus garbage impeachment charges against President Clinton and drug the country through tedious sleaze on the nightly news)14. Drop in barometric pressure causes unexpected Viagra failure and results in a sudden surge in Trans Am purchases. 13. In Florida, howling of winds drowns out howling from Kennedy Compound. 12. Same $100 million hurricane damage in the Carolinas only costs $23.89 dollars in Alabama. 11. Employees at the Olean factory have no problem with orders to evacuate immediately. 10. Pamela Anderson experiences whiplash as breasts fly in opposite directions. 9. Ultra conservative racist Jesse Helms actually observed leaning slightly to the left. 8. South Carolinians can now projectile-vomit over 430 feet! 7. Drop in barometric pressure causes Girl Scout cookies to swell so large that they're temporarily worth six bucks a box. 6. Inexplicable changes in Al Roker's magnetic field. 5. Sudden shortage of (TV show host of sleaze and violence) Jerry Springer guests, as incest and promiscuity take a back seat to gettin' the ol' trailer right-side up again. 4. Headlines with the word "blow", but no mention whatsoever of a certain unnamed Clinton intern made famous. 3. Pre-storm rush allows supermarkets to finally get rid of old stock of Spam and Zima. 2. Earl the plywood salesman starts tippin' fives at the topless club. and Number 1 Odd Side Effect of Hurricanes... 1. White House intern/mistress/Secretary of State Rice get time off while President Bush/Clinton/Bush, Sr./Johnson drops his pants and lets nature take its course.
Weather Quotes* When all is said and done, the weather and love are the two elements about which one can never be sure. - Alice Hoffman* If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes. - Mark Twain* Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? - Kelvin Throop III* No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather. - Michael Pritchard* Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. - George Carlin* Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation. - Kin Hubbard* A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. - Robert Frost
* I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. - Groucho Marx* Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative. - Oscar Wilde* When the goose honk high, fair weather; when the goose honks low, foul weather. - Proverb (I'll be sure to keep that in mind the next time those local Canadian geese fly over my house leaving a trail of honking deposits)* If I'm on the golf course and lightning starts, I get indoors fast. If God wants to play through, let him. - Bob Hope* Even the weather page is in a state of moral decay. What’s wrong with red, white and blue, USA Today? This rainbow weather map is just another example of the homometerological agenda. - Stephen Colbert * Weather is a literary specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article on it. - Mark Twain
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