From Denny: There's plenty red hot political scandals to match up with the freaking hot weather across America this week. In Gulf Shores, Alabama, they suffered a 125 degree F. heat index - whew! And I thought 110 degree F. heat index was suffering...The ethics probes continue on various House members, both Democrat and Republican. Because the Dems are in power it seems the media only wants to highlight the failings of their members. The Dems would do well to mention the Republican members facing ethics or criminal charges as well. Political corruption is definitely a well balanced "menu" in America that involves both sides of the aisle.This week the White House has their Press Secretary Gibbs singing a new tune about how the Dems will keep the House in the November election. Let's hope they are correct. Random Denny Thought: The Dems would do well to beef up their slogan beyond, "Hey! It really sucks with the Republicans who are putting you into the Poor House and plan to sell you off as slaves on the Wall Street auction block. It's bad with us - but it's a whole lot worse with the Republicans. Vote for us!" You guys need new political operatives with fresh ideas that are certainly more appealing.Speaking of political operatives, the White House ones trotted out the President onto the daytime TV set of "The View" to try and grab back the disenfranchised female audience who voted for him. Talk about controversy. The Republicans were screaming at the top of their lungs about it wasn't Presidential to attend a daytime female audience show as it cheapened the Presidency. How lame can you get? Presidents Nixon and Bush 43 already ruined what was left of respect for the Presidency. You can't blame that one on President Obama.Then the intellectual feminist crowd booed Obama practically off the stage when he quipped about The View was about the only show his wife would watch. A lot of women were outraged at his sexist remark. I just yawned. So what? The President clearly looked bored and sometimes uncomfortable in such tight quarters with so many women. He's more of a man's man, feeling better out in the fresh air playing golf. If I were President and got trotted out to the set of the sports channel ESPN you would have seen me equally bored, though I've never been uncomfortable in a room full of men.Did I really care if he went on that show? No. The show bores me and I don't watch it. I can do enough hissy fit fussing on my own. I don't need to go looking for it on the tube. All I have to do to get riled up is read the daily news - and I'm off and running with the word play on the blogs, solving all the problems and saving the world. :)Funny Videos Featured this week:Funny Video: Jon Stewart Mocks Media For Sorry WikiLeaks ReactionFunny Video: Colberts Live Tony Hayward Cam Tracking His Slow Resignation
From Jay Leno:Because of Arizona's new law, a lot of immigrants have fled the state and returned to their homeland, Los Angeles.President Obama said he had a good time on 'The View,' and that the ladies on the show talk a lot less than Joe Biden.Whiny Tony Hayward - you know the cry-baby BP CEO guy - he says life’s not fair and that sometimes you step off a curb and you get hit by a bus. You know, if life was fair, that bus would have been driven by an unemployed Louisiana shrimp boat operator.President Obama is going on 'The View' to talk about the economy. Later on, he’ll go to 'General Hospital' to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works.With Arizona’s new immigration law getting ready to kick in, there’s a new slogan: 'What happens in Arizona stays in Mexico.'
Congress’ approval rating has hit an all-time low of 11 percent. To give you an idea of how bad that is, the BP oil spill is at 12 percent.Continental announced a new feature called 'self boarding.' There’s no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It’s part of Continental’s 'Terrorists Fly Hassel-free' program.President Obama's new message to the American people is 'things could be a lot worse.' We've gone from 'change you can believe in' to 'things could be a lot worse.' The sequel is never as good as the original.BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story, Congressman Charlie Rangel has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent.An American named Bob Dudley is BP's new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once.New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that 'Jersey Shore' is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like 'The Sopranos.'Vice President Joe Biden has declared that the heavy lifting is over for the year, and it's time to begin campaigning and talking about the White House's accomplishments. The heavy lifting might be over, but it sounds like the heavy shoveling is just beginning.Shirley Sherrod was fired from her job at the Agriculture Department, then they said they made a mistake and offered to hire her back. Today, Gen. McChrystal asked if he could have his job back.WikiLeaks has posted over 90,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan. The Pentagon is outraged, the White House is furious, but British Petroleum is relieved: 'Finally, a leak we had nothing to do with.'Ford has moved ahead of Toyota in sales and they say they're not stopping until they see even better results. Not stopping? That's what screwed up Toyota.A new poll shows that Congress' approval rating is at a record low of 11 percent. The other 89 percent are going to withhold judgment until Congress actually does something.
Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel was charged with multiple ethics violations. Members of Congress were stunned. They had no idea there was more than one ethics.Budget problems are so bad in Newark, New Jersey, that the mayor has ordered the government to stop buying toilet paper for public restrooms. They're calling this the worst thing to happen to the state since 'Jersey Shore.'Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich did not testify at his trial. He wanted to testify, but he sold his seat at the court for $100,000." –Jay Leno"Happy birthday to former Sen. Bob Dole. He's 175 years old today." –Jay LenoHave you guys seen this show 'White House Apprentice?' It's a lot like the other 'Apprentice,' but on this one, when the boss fires you, he offers you your job back a day later.Britney Spears has been giving her support to Mel Gibson throughout the scandal, which is ironic because Mel's latest tape is called, 'Oops, I did it again.'
From David Letterman:President Obama is going to be on ‘The View.’ Who says this guy isn’t willing to confront radical extremists?Chelsea Clinton is getting married this weekend. I don’t know how this happened, but she’s marrying Levi Johnston.A lot of security at the wedding, a huge security detail, and that’s just to keep Bill from the bridesmaids.Arizona's immigration law went into effect today. If you want to boycott Arizona, instead of going to see the Grand Canyon, come to New York City to see our potholes.President Obama is in town for an appearance on 'The View.' He probably won’t get a word in edgewise, but he said he’s used to it. He lives with his mother-in-law.Elmhurst, Ind. wants to make it illegal to roll your eyes in public. But what if Rod Blagojevich comes to town and declares his innocence?David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons Jeb Bush Isn’t Running for President"10. Worried he can’t live up to the expectations 9. Doesn’t want to live in a house previously occupied by a smoker 8. Too busy with his daily routine: gym, tan, laundry 7. Huckabee has a lock on the 'pasty fat guy' vote 6. Leaves voicemail messages that make Mel Gibson sound like a choir boy 5. Scared of Lincoln’s ghost 4. Wants to be an 'American Idol' judge 3. Wasn’t blessed with the Bush family stammer 2. For some reason, he’d rather not inherit two wars, massive debt, and an ocean full of oil 1. No governor siblings to help him rig the electionElmhurst, Illinois is going to outlaw eye-rolling. So what happens if John McCain shows up and says he still thinks he made the right choice with Sarah Palin?BP CEO Tony Hayward is being sent to a project in Siberia. He wants to go to a part of the planet that hasn't been ruined yet.King Tut's chariot is in New York City for two weeks, then it goes right back to Jay Leno's garage.King Tut used the chariot on his first date with Barbara Walters.
David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises In The Leaked Government Documents"10. Revealed secret recipe for Ayman Al-Zawahiri's 'Easy Cheesy Potato Casserole' 9. Intelligence agencies have almost deciphered the plot of 'Inception' 8. Outlined the Knicks' failed strategy to get LeBron 7. Terror chatter is at its lowest during 'Cake Boss' 6. Al-Qaida canceled plan to destroy Gulf of Mexico when BP beat them to it 5. Haven't found Osama's cave, but did find his 'man cave' with a sweet 65-inch flat screen 4. Despite stern memo from Kathy Mavrikakis, documents weren't printed double-sided 3. Discovered classified location of Chelsea Clinton's wedding 2. Obama and Osama almost appeared with Oprah in Tostitos Super Bowl commercial 1. Turns out the 9-year, no-end-in-sight Afghan war isn't going wellThe White House is very upset about a bunch of secret documents about the Afghanistan war that were leaked online. Out of habit, BP apologized.BP is firing its CEO, Tony Hayward. They're negotiating a settlement for $18 million. Boy, that'll teach him.David Letterman's Top Ten Questions on the BP CEO Application 10. Do you have prior experience working for greedy thugs? 9. How many lies can you type per minute? 8. Do you own a lot of towels and rags? 7. On a scale of 1-10, how committed are you to protecting the environment, 1 meaning 'Not very much' and 10 meaning 'Not at all'? 6. What species do you most want to drive into extinction? 5. This isn't about the job, but seriously, how crazy are those Mel Gibson recordings? 4. Do you know how to beat a lie detector? 3. Have you ever seen a donkey parasailing? 2. By the way, would you mind firing the last guy for us? 1. Any suggestions on where we should have our next spill?The brother of former President George Bush, Jeb Bush, is running for president. Yep, and the campaign slogan is, 'I'm going to finish what my brother started.'So Jeb Bush is running for president. I don't know about the rest of the country, but thank God, ladies and gentlemen, the comedy recession is over!Political experts and pundits and people who know the Bushes are saying that Jeb Bush is smarter than his brother. That's damning with faint praise, isn't it? Who the hell isn't smarter than his brother, for God's sake?
From Craig Ferguson:Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, 'Been there, done that.'A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, 'Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.'Tony Hayward is stepping down as CEO of BP. They weren't supposed to make the announcement yet, but of course, the news leaked.Leaked documents show that Pakistan has been taking American money and using it to fund the Taliban. The Pakistanis are denying it, and they're like, 'The Taliban bought those iPods with their own money.'WikiLeaks has 91,000 secret documents, but who has the time to read that? I can barely get through the instructions on a shampoo bottle.It turns out that our biggest ally in the region is Russia. With all due respect to Russia, it's not the best place to get advice on how to win in Afghanistan.
From Jimmy Kimmel:President Bush's memoir is set to come out just in time for the midterm elections and it has some Republicans upset because it may remind voters of — President Bush.One conservative columnist called the timing of the book release 'selfish and stupid,' which, coincidentally, is also the title of the book.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is lashing out at Paul the Octopus, who predicted winners in the World Cup. Ahmadinejad said the octopus represents what’s wrong with the West. I guess he’s never seen 'Jersey Shore.'He said Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the Western world. You have to lose some dictator credibility when you pick a fight with an octopus.There are more Mel Gibson tapes coming out. How many of these do they have? It might be time to drill a relief well in Mel Gibson.Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she's doing a Nazi salute. Let's be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice.The heat in Washington D.C. was so bad today, that the Supreme Court had to wear their emergency sleeveless robes.BP will replace Tony Hayward as CEO. He plans to spend more time at home spilling every liquid in his kitchen cabinet.Violence struck at Comic-Con when an argument between two men resulted in one being arrested for stabbing the other with a pen. Which proved that the pen is mightier than the light saber.There were 80,000 guys dressed as superheroes and no one stepped in to save him.Facebook now has more than 500 million users, which may help explain why unemployment is around 10 percent.Facebook now has 500 million users. The previous record holder was heroin.
From Jimmy Fallon:Toyota is recalling more than 400,000 cars in the U.S. because of steering problems. Toyota's crisis management spokesman issued a statement saying, 'Good to be back.'BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly 'demonized' in the U.S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. In response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to BP CEO Tony Hayward.President Obama was in New York today to tape his appearance on 'The View.' Whoopi asked him about the economy, Joy asked about the war, and Elizabeth asked for his birth certificate.Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the western world. Which is exactly what Paul the Octopus predicted he would say.
President Obama is going on a 10-day vacation to Martha's Vineyard in August. Obama was like, 'This is my longest vacation ever,' and voters were like, 'Wait'll you see the one we're planning for you!'Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice performed a duet with Aretha Franklin at a charity event. Not to be outdone, President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles.There were reports over the weekend that BP's CEO Tony Hayward could resign within the next two days. Two days. Of course, in BP time, that's like six months.The founder of WikiLeaks just released 91,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan, and he said he plans to post thousands more. I just wish he'd hurry, because I breezed through those first 91,000. It's like waiting for the next Harry Potter.There's a report that Kate Gosselin and Sarah Palin are taking their families camping together in Alaska. And it must be true, because Sarah Palin hasn't refudiated it yet.
President Obama and his family are going on vacation in the Gulf Coast next month. Of course, the Gulf Coast is a lovely place to sit back and relax — just ask BP.Starbucks' profits went up 37 percent in the third quarter of this year. They say they owe the increase to their new strategy of opening a Starbucks inside an existing Starbucks.A woman from Washington is suing American Airlines for 5 million dollars after they lost her luggage. When the airline said that's a ridiculous amount of money for luggage, she was like, 'Now you know how we feel.'*** Bozo Sapien Award photo by I'm Fantastic @ flickr*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates! *** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:The Social Poets - news, politicsThe Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychologyVisual Insights - photos, art, musicBeautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophyPoems From A Spiritual Heart - poetryThe Healing Waters - health newsDennys People Watching - people in the newsDennys Food and RecipesDennys Funny Quotes - humor
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From Denny: The BP Gulf oil spill is still the national conversation and the comics haven't let up on the mocking of CEO Tony Hayward or other BP execs with all the emotionally sensitivity of a boulder. And the nation's cartoonists have had a field day lampooning the oil industry. Catch up on funny Colbert and Stewart as they weigh on with their social commentary of the week! :) Check out this week's funny videos:Funny Video: Stewart Calls Joe Barton A 'Disdainful A--hole'Funny Video: Stewarts Take On America's Oil DependenceFunny Video: Colbert Examines America's Strained Relationship With EnglandFunny Video: Colberts Simplified Version of Obama's BP Oil Spill SpeechFunny Video: Colberts The Word, Stay the CourseFrom David Letterman:Have you seen President Obama lately? People are saying he's dying his hair. Right there, that's a good use for the oil.Last night, President Barack Obama spoke from the Oval Office about his plan to clean up the oil spill. Did you folks get a chance to see it? Yeah. Well, I'm glad that problem's behind us.President Obama made a lot of promises that he can't possibly keep. I mean, it's like he's campaigning again, really.He assured the nation that the gulf will be cleaned up and restored to even greater beauty and prosperity. Well, you know what that means. He's started drinking. That's the only possible explanation.And then, right after the president's speech, Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, said that we should not demonize the oil companies. Well, I'm glad somebody's looking out for the little guy.And then today, the president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.President Obama was in the gulf region again today, having lunch at a local seafood restaurant. Horrible timing. A clam coughed up a tarball.David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard During President Obama's Meeting with Tony Hayward"10."So, what's new?"9."Careful, you're getting oil all over the Oval Office"8."Before I start kicking asses, would any of you like some sparkling water?"7."Speaking of leaks, where's the men's room?"6."Thanks for giving my administration something to worry about besides two wars, a crushing debt, global warming and the worst economy in 70 years"5."$20 Billion? Hell, I got that on me!"4."Tony, I forgave you the second I heard that dreamy British accent"3."Gotta keep this short, I'm meeting with the president of Indonesia about that smoking baby" (Videotape of Smoking Baby)2."Biden, please, enough with the vuvuzela"1."How can we blame this on Bush and Cheney?"From Craig Ferguson:There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.Obama said we need a new energy strategy, one with more alternatives, like solar power. I agree. But let's not forget about lunar power. Remember, the moon is what gives power to werewolves.Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'By this point, it's not even an 'oil spill' anymore. Spill is a little accident that can easily be cleaned up. Calling this a 'spill' is like calling World War II a 'tiff.'Obama's not the only one on the hot seat right now. The CEO of BP is taking a lot of flak. His name is Tony Hayward. Today, President Obama had a meeting with Hayward at the White House. It got off to the wrong start. Hayward arrived in a Hummer limo powered by baby seals.I wonder how Obama began that meeting. 'Thanks for wrecking my presidency, Tony. Want a water or something?'Hayward didn't take any questions after his White House meeting today. Probably a good thing. He's great at destroying ecosystems, but not so great at talking. Hayward has said: 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up.Now, listen. I'm not naïve about large faceless corporations who destroy everything that's beautiful. I work here at CBS.I'm sorry the show is on later than usual. It was delayed by the president's speech about the gulf oil spill. Obama has been criticized for not doing enough. To be fair, he's been using every strategy in the book. Unfortunately, it's the same book President Bush used for Katrina.This spill makes the Exxon Valdez look like a leaky juice box.You know it's a real catastrophe when our biggest hope is Kevin Costner. I'm not kidding. Costner spent millions of his own money to develop a water-cleaning system that soaks up oil-tainted water and spins it around and pumps out pure water at the other end. Director James Cameron is also helping out. He offered up his fleet of private submarines. If he's serious about cleaning up the spill, why doesn't he soak it up with his 'Avatar' money?From Jay Leno:Well, the big story, President Obama will set aside $20 billion to pay the victims of the oil spill in the Gulf. Well, that is good news. The bad news — it still comes out to less than, like, a dollar a gallon.These British Petroleum guys can't do anything right. The chairman of BP, Carl-Henric Svanberg, told reporters that sometimes large oil companies are greedy and don't care, but not BP. We care about the small people.' That's what he called the residents of the Gulf — 'the small people.' But to be fair, English is not the guy's first language. Money is.See, the problem is I do believe they care about the small people. Problem is, they don't care about the big leak.Tony Hayward. You read about this guy? He's a little weasel guy. Well, he was testifying before — why do they even call it testifying? Testi-lying, that's what it was.Well, the sad part is, environmentalists say if this leak continues unabated, some species might become endangered, like Democrats.And now the other oil companies are turning on BP While testifying in Washington this week, Exxon executives blamed the Gulf oil spill on lapses by BP See, that's when you know things are bad, when Exxon is lecturing you on oil safety, huh? That's like Heidi Montag saying, 'Just be yourself.'Last night, President Obama delivered a prime time address on the oil spill. He said his administration 'has been on top of the situation since Day 51.' I mean, 'Day 1.' I'm sorry.President Obama also declared that seafood in the gulf was safe to eat, although he said if you 'really want to be safe, eat at Long John Silver's.' Luckily, batter has not been affected by the spill.President Obama told the residents of the Florida coastal area that he is with them for the long haul, or at least until 2012.Well, today, President Obama met with that Tony Hayward guy and a couple of other BP executives. The meeting only lasted about 20 minutes, or, in BP terms, 10,000 barrels of oil.China has bought more U.S. debt. They know hold over $900 billion of U.S. debt. A lot of Americans concerned about this because it's so much. Why are you concerned? It is not like we're going to pay them back.Well, President Obama said today he's going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?Oh, and the heads of the five families — we call them 'oil companies' — testified before Congress today. It was billed as 'the tarballs versus the slimeballs.'Well, during the testimony, the president of BP said the underwater cleanup is pretty effective. And when he was done, Congress gave him a standing ovation. Well, sure, they've never seen anybody who could lie better than they can.You know something, if the oil industry could suck up oil the way they suck up to Congress, the gulf would have been cleaned up a month ago.Hey, here's an amazing story. A 52-year-old construction worker — a guy from right here in California — was arrested in Pakistan today, armed with a pistol and a 40-inch sword. He said he was on a mission to capture Osama bin Laden. Hey, at least somebody's looking for the guy. Give him credit.Well, it seems the United States has found over $1 trillion of untapped mineral deposits in Afghanistan. And here's the great part. The country comes pre-invaded. We don't have to invade again.And besides the deposits of iron, copper, cobalt and gold, they found the largest deposit of lithium ever discovered; most of it on land controlled by tribal communities. Wait a minute. Wasn't that the plot of 'Avatar'?Hey, have you been following what's been going on in the South Carolina Democratic primary for the Senate? This is very bizarre. A man named Alvin Greene has won the Democratic primary. But he didn't go to any campaign events, spent no money, gave no speeches, was kicked out of the Army, he's unemployed, he lives with his mother, and he's facing felony charges for showing lewd photos to students. I know. Sounds like a senator to me.The FAA now looking into the possibility of pilotless commercial flights. I guess that they figure if they take away the leg room, the pillows, the blankets, the food, they might as well take away the pilots, too.From Jimmy Fallon:Yesterday during a press conference, BP chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg caused some controversy when he said BP cares about the 'small people.' Part of his new strategy — plug the hole by digging himself into a deeper one.BP said that the comment was lost in transition from Svanberg's native Swedish to English. And the Americans were like, 'We get it. We've all tried to assemble something from IKEA. Apology accepted.'Today in Washington, BP CEO Tony Hayward told members of Congress that his company is working to make sure that a spill like this does not happen again. And they have a great plan in place. They're going out of business.A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama. Hillary was like, 'Look, I don't pay attention to the silly polls like that — what were the numbers exactly?'That's right, Hillary is more popular than Barack. They're separated by about 10 points, or roughly one billion gallons of crude oil.BP had to stop collecting oil for a few hours yesterday after a bolt of lightning struck its ship in the gulf, causing a fire. When asked for a comment, a spokesman for BP was like, 'So that's how things could possibly get any worse.'Today, President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.You guys, 'Top Chef D.C.' premieres tonight on Bravo. I love that show. But since it's in D.C., the contestants don't actually cook; they just talk about what they're going to cook in the future.While he was in Mississippi yesterday, President Obama ate mini crab cakes, fried shrimp and shrimp salad sandwiches to show Americans that seafood from the Gulf Coast is safe to eat. And if you don't believe Obama ate all that stuff, just ask our new president, Joe Biden. He'll tell you.President Obama also ordered a lemon-lime snow cone on the beach. A little awkward. Obama was like, 'Forget the oil spill for a minute. Can we figure out how to fix the leaks in the bottom of these paper cone things?'Speaking of the oil spill, yesterday, BP ordered 32 oil-separating machines designed by Kevin Costner. Costner said, all along, a voice kept telling him, 'If you build it and there's a huge oil spill and the oil company and government have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to clean it up, they will come.'The White House said today that BP is moving up its time line for containing the oil by two weeks. They said they'd get it 'done, even if they have to work six hours a day, four days a week.'Actually, on Saturday, President Obama had a 30-minute phone call with the British prime minister, David Cameron, about the BP oil spill. The conversation was supposed to stay private, but given that it's BP, you can probably expect a few leaks.Did you hear about this? In Afghanistan, the U.S. has discovered large deposits of iron, copper, cobalt, gold, and lithium. Or, as most people would call it, 'not Osama bin Laden.'There's some good economic news here. Employers plan to hire 5 percent more college graduates this year than in 2009. Unfortunately, almost all these jobs involve rubber gloves, paper towels, and a one-way ticket to the Gulf of Mexico.*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
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And just in today from Denny's news desk - Scientists are excited that a new species has been discovered in the Gulf of Mexcio: the BP oil shark, impervious to oil spills and hungry for tasty dining on BP oil execs... Louisiana residents rush to buy the new sharks.From Denny: While we all wade through America's environmental and economic disasters, come laugh with me! If we don't laugh we will just end up crying. Besides, there is just something about laughing that gives you an energy boost and the timing could not be more perfect at the beginning of the week. THe BP oil spill cartoons are outstanding this week and the video clips are real grinners. There was even this great work quote from comedian George Carlin from one of my Twitter friends today I just knew you would enjoy! :)*** Funny Work Quote: Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. - George CarlinFunny Videos: Stewart and Colbert Lampoon Reporter Helen ThomasFunny Video: Jon Stewart Lampoons Glenn Beck About Exclusive Israeli Raid NewsFunny Video: Lampooning Racists Gone Wild Horrified Teaching Chinese LanguageFrom Jay Leno:Using electron microscopes, scientists have now discovered the slowest moving thing on Earth. Turns out, it's the White House responding to the oil spill.How about this BP — this BP CEO, what's his name? Tony Haywire? This guy, oh, man. Making Wile E. Coyote look like a genius, isn't he?According to BP, this containment cap is now capturing, they're capturing 10,000 barrels of oil a day. Which is amazing, considering they said it was only leaking 1,000 barrels a day.BP officials are now saying the campaign to clean it up could last until fall. That's why they call it a campaign. You know why it's called a campaign? Because it's like an election. It's dirty, it's slimy, it never seems to end.BP — they are spending $50 million on an advertisement budget to try and put a PR spin on this whole thing. Like, you hear what they said today? This is unbelievable. They said fishermen down there are catching tuna that are getting 35 miles per gallon.ABC just announced who's going to be the next contestant on 'The Bachelor.' Surprisingly, Al Gore.Were you sad to learn that Al Gore and his wife, Tipper — I was. I was a little sad about that. Yeah, according to the report, the two are 'separating amicably after a long process of careful consideration.' You know, even his divorce is boring.Would you have ever guessed that Bill and Hillary would turn out to be Washington's happiest married couple?Rush Limbaugh got married for the fourth time on Saturday. He's 59; she's 33. So, I'm doing the math. That means when she's 40, he'll be on wife No. 7.White House reporter Helen Thomas is retiring after making some quite controversial comments about Israel. She said Jews should leave the Middle East and go back to where they came from. The problem is that's where they came from.A new study shows that language programs in U.S. schools are lagging behind. Not enough kids are learning foreign languages in America. In fact, here in LA, the schools have cut foreign language classes completely. Did you know that? Everyone just speaks Spanish now.The Gulf oil spill, now officially the worst in U.S. history. In fact, they're calling this the biggest environmental disaster since the State of New Jersey.As you know, we're right in the middle of a process called 'top kill.' Doesn't it sound like some bad Steven Seagal movie from the '80s?BP says if 'top kill' fails, they'll try something called the 'junk shot.' Hey, worked last night for the Lakers.Well, there's a big new scandal going on. Have you heard about this? Republicans are now saying that President Obama had Bill Clinton offer a job to Pennsylvania's Joe Sestak in exchange for dropping out of the Pennsylvania Senate race against Arlen Specter. It's kind of complicated. But if it's true, it's an impeachable offense. That's what they're saying. They're comparing it to the Clinton impeachment. Close, but no cigar.It's been a rough day in the stock market. It's so bad, today, President Obama had to lay off two teleprompters.The economy is so bad, Joe Biden had to cash in his swear jar.The economy is so bad, I saw the governor of Arizona eating at Taco Bell.Well, folks, here's the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the 'top kill' plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels.British Petroleum is still trying to minimize the PR damage. You know what they said today? They said all the oil that spilled this month is on the house. No charge.Obama looked pretty mad, if you watched his press conference today. President Obama said the head the Federal agency in charge of regulating the oil company is no longer there, but he didn't know if she resigned or if she was fired. Didn't know if she resigned or was fired. I got a better idea. How about arrested? Let's try that.From David Letterman:They nabbed a couple of terrorists right here at JFK. And these guys have been training to become terrorists. They go to JFK, and they are boarding separate flights and they are going to go to Egypt and meet some buddies of theirs in Somalia. And I said well, no red flags there.To give you an idea now the level, the quality of training that the terrorists are getting: These two guys trained every weekend to become terrorists by playing paint ball. If they got really good at paint ball, Al Qaeda would let them plant a bomb in a go-kart.Al Gore and his wife, longtime married couple, are separating. Tipper Gore. And they may get a divorce. Apparently what happened, they experienced global cooling.James Cameron has volunteered to go down to the Gulf of Mexico and consult. I love it when a guy who's an expert in fake disasters gets involved. And if that doesn't work, they're going to contact Superman and he's going to weld the pipe with his X-ray vision.The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami.Here now the official Rush Limbaugh wedding announcement. Rush Limbaugh wed Kathryn Rogers in a quiet Florida ceremony on Saturday. The bridegroom is a controversial radio host and an influential opinion leader in the conservative movement in the United States. The bride is clearly insane.David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At Rush Limbaugh's Wedding"10. "Is this my fourth of fifth wedding?"9. "Mrs. Palin, please, enough with the celebratory gunfire"8. "Do you take this woman to be your future ex-wife?" 7. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Bill O'Reilly" 6. "They have a tent in case it rains. No wait, those are Rush's pants" 5. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Sean Hannity" 4. "I missed the bridal bouquet, but I hope to catch the prenup" 3. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Ann Coulter"2. "It's ironic that a guy named 'Rush' takes 20 minutes to walk down the aisle" 1. "Did he just eat the whole cake?"... Or in DP (Denny's Parlance) BP stands for Bumbling Pricks...From Bill Maher:After 40 years, Al and Tipper Gore have split up. Nobody knows why, but there is a rumor today that Al came home early last week and found another man's carbon footprints.They could tell he was lonely as of late because when he'd hug a tree, he'd linger. – on Al GoreRush Limbaugh is getting married this weekend for the fourth time … It's a traditional wedding. Well, not that traditional. They say instead of throwing rice, throw Vicodin.A very romantic moment at the White House yesterday. Did you see Paul McCartney? He sang Michelle to Michelle Obama. That went over great. But then his other choice of songs, in light of what's going on with the President, he sang, 'Fixing a Hole,' 'Octopus' Garden, ''Yellow Submarine.'They came out with this jobs report. This is terrible, all the new jobs it turns out are Census jobs, temporary Census jobs. The bright side: Those skill you learn as a Census taker going door to door, could launch a lucrative career as a Jehovah's Witness.The alarming thing is that the numbers say that a lot of people have just given up looking for work entirely. And Obama tried to lift people's spirits today. He said, 'It could be worse, you could be a pelican.'People want (Obama) to be madder. His press secretary said he was enraged today. He was on Larry King, last night, and he said, "I am furious.' He said 'I am so angry, I have asked Rahm Emanuel to unleash a string of obscenities on my behalf.'BP was kind of bragging about it today … the top hat. Oh yeah, they put a top hat on it, was collecting about 6% of the oil. Yes, they found a solution that stops as much oil as the margin of error. It lets 94% of the oil through. It was built by the same people who built the Mexican border fence.New Rule: Al and Tipper Gore can't split up the same week as Heidi breaks up with Spencer. Unless they swap. Al and Heidi would be perfect together. He won the popular vote but lost the election, and she can't count. He wants to change the world and she can't move her face.The president finally arrived on the Gulf Coast today to survey the damage. I thought this was telling, while he was there, FEMA arrived for Katrina. ... And George Bush saw him on TV. He called him up and said, 'You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie.'Sarah Palin weighed in on her Facebook page. She demanded that Obama 'plug the damn hole.' You first, Sarah.From Jimmy Kimmel:President Obama today met with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer to talk about illegal immigration. Governor Brewer surprised everyone in this meeting by having the President deported.From Craig Ferguson:Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend. This is actually his fourth marriage; he blames the first three breakups on Obama.You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.With e-mails and texting and Twitter, we don't use paper anymore. We're become a paperless society, except perhaps in Arizona.Sir Paul McCartney played at the White House last night. He dedicated the Beatles song 'Michelle' to the First Lady. Isn't that lovely? And then for Joe Biden, he played 'Fool on the Hill.'From Jimmy Fallon:Today, President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo's central high school graduation ceremony in Michigan. He told the students they could be anything they want to be, but if they could be oil leak experts, that could be great.B.P.'s CEO Tony Hayward said yesterday that he will not step down over the gulf oil coast spill. Yeah, he said, 'I mean, it's not like I let one of the biggest ecological disasters in history happen. Oh, I did? Well, at least my first attempt at cleaning it up worked.'Even though he's not stepping down, Tony Hayward is handing over responsibility to the cleanup to an American named Bob Dudley. There's a name that gives me confidence. It sounds like a sitcom character who's always messing everything up.It was just announced that President Obama is going to visit India this November in response to Prime Minister Singh's invitation. So, mostly, he's going over there to visit our jobs.This week, Vice President Joe Biden is on the first leg of his African tour which includes visits to Egypt, Kenya and South Africa. The second leg of the tour will be when he goes back to all of the countries to apologize for everything he said during the first leg.Veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas has just resigned after she said Israelis should get quote, 'get the hell out of Palestine.' Thomas hasn't been in this much trouble since she told President Lincoln to stop whining and put a band-aid on it.Congratulations to Rush Limbaugh, who got married for the fourth time on Saturday. It was so romantic — so romantic. First, the couple wrote their own vows and then they wrote their own prescriptions.Today, President Obama flew to Louisiana to see the gulf cleanup effort firsthand. And it was just like President Bush's trip to Louisiana, except Obama actually landed.Obama called the Gulf Coast oil spill 'an assault on our shores.' And then he said the same thing about fat dudes in Speedos.This is a crazy story. An American adventurist strapped himself to a bunch of helium balloons and floated from England to France. Immediately afterward, people in Mexico asked, 'Exactly how many balloons?'A new study found that the average person has lost an hour of sleep at night during the recession. Luckily, most of them can just sleep in late the next day.An American adventurer strapped himself to a bunch of helium balloons and floated from England to France. Immediately afterwards, people in Mexico asked 'Exactly how many balloons?A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans.And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government does not have better technology than BP. That's a nice thing to announce to the world, that our government has fewer resources than a company that tried to plug a hole with a 'top hat.'In fact, President Obama fired the head of the Mineral Management Services, because of lack of oversight of offshore oil rigs. It's got to be tough finding another job after that. It's like, 'I see you were head of the department in charge of preventing oil spills? And this was during the huge oil spill?' 'Yeah, that's right.' 'You may not be Wendy's material.
The latest volcano hair style in ash white...From Denny: While we are all waiting breathlessly for the tacky BP oil spill jokes to emerge, beyond the great political cartoons already posted on this blog, why not indulge the volcano jokes? Iceland has a great sense of humor about impending disaster and the slow burn of economic die-off just like here in south Louisiana. We both seem to have that "gallows humor" going on. If you can't poke fun at yourself and the crazy world we live in where's the fun in life? Besides, on the serious uptake, laughing takes off the pressure so you can do some serious problem-solving in your life. Someone send all my funny posts and funny blogs to BP because they definitely need something to help them solve the gargantuan problem in the Gulf. Please attach a cover letter warning them that Congress has amended American law to include lying as an offense punishable by the minimum of 50 years hard labor for each lie. There is no consideration for time served and no cap for the judge's sentencing guidelines, just thought you might like to know that Republican styled "tort reform" tidbit. Each liar is responsible for their own lies, including CEOs, PR agents, lobbyists, politicians and lawyers. Read that as "Do not pass Go - it's straight to jail with you." Might I also suggest the perfect incarceration arrangements? Louisiana's famous prison called Angola is the maximum security prison of your choice, comprised of many interesting neighborly companions. Yeah, it's no country club and is an outstanding recommendation from the people of the Gulf Coast. Many thanks go to British Petroleum for giving us all much to lampoon. It's not every day you get to "enjoy" your very own environmental disaster in your life time. :)Cheeky Quote of the day: Don't dance on a volcano. - French Proverb (self-explanatory)Iceland Volcano JokesI see that America has declared war on Iceland. Apparently they are accusing them of harboring a "weapon of ash eruption." It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe. Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written all over it. Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash. Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone. Richard Curtis is working on a new romp-com about people stuck in an airport who fall in love. The working title is "Lava Actually."Strange Facts About Volcanoes:The loudest noise ever known was produced by a volcanic eruption at Krakatoa, near Javan, in 1883. The sound was heard in Australia, 5000 km away. When Laki volcano in Iceland erupted in 1783, its lava flow stretched 65 km, the longest ever recorded. There are over 500 active volcanoes in the world. About 20 per cent of all volcanoes are underwater. About 20 to 30 volcanoes erupt each year, mostly under the sea. Lava from an erupting volcano may be as hot as 1200 degrees centigrade.Volcano Quotes* Don't dance on a volcano. - French Proverb (self-explanatory)* If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom? - Kahlil Gibran* Volcano: A mountain with hiccups. - Anonymous* I see the mind of a five year old as a volcano with two vents : destructiveness and creativeness. - Sylvia Warner* Great acting can be almost a psychotic mix of self-consciousness and unself-consciousness. And that's the terrible conflict. You have to be free to jump off into that volcano and you have to be pathologically self-conscious. - Alec Baldwin, actor* All civilization has from time to time become a thin crust over a volcano of revolution. - Havelock Ellis * Zeal is a volcano, the peak of which the grass of indecisiveness does not grow. - Kahlil Gibran (Lebanese born American philosophical Essayist, Novelist and Poet. 1883-1931)* Desire is storm, greed is whirlpool, pride is precipice, attachment is avalanche, ego is volcano. Discard desire and you are liberated. - Sri Sathya Sai Baba quotes (Indian Spiritual leader, b.1926)Weather JokesFrom weatherimages.orgThe Unemployed WeathermanAlthough he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
The Call in the Middle of the NightA husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."The Top 15 Odd Side Effects of Hurricanes (as told during the Bush years) 15. Anti-terrorist cruise missile blown off course "just happens" to land on Special Investigator Ken Starr. (the guy who came up with bogus garbage impeachment charges against President Clinton and drug the country through tedious sleaze on the nightly news)14. Drop in barometric pressure causes unexpected Viagra failure and results in a sudden surge in Trans Am purchases. 13. In Florida, howling of winds drowns out howling from Kennedy Compound. 12. Same $100 million hurricane damage in the Carolinas only costs $23.89 dollars in Alabama. 11. Employees at the Olean factory have no problem with orders to evacuate immediately. 10. Pamela Anderson experiences whiplash as breasts fly in opposite directions. 9. Ultra conservative racist Jesse Helms actually observed leaning slightly to the left. 8. South Carolinians can now projectile-vomit over 430 feet! 7. Drop in barometric pressure causes Girl Scout cookies to swell so large that they're temporarily worth six bucks a box. 6. Inexplicable changes in Al Roker's magnetic field. 5. Sudden shortage of (TV show host of sleaze and violence) Jerry Springer guests, as incest and promiscuity take a back seat to gettin' the ol' trailer right-side up again. 4. Headlines with the word "blow", but no mention whatsoever of a certain unnamed Clinton intern made famous. 3. Pre-storm rush allows supermarkets to finally get rid of old stock of Spam and Zima. 2. Earl the plywood salesman starts tippin' fives at the topless club. and Number 1 Odd Side Effect of Hurricanes... 1. White House intern/mistress/Secretary of State Rice get time off while President Bush/Clinton/Bush, Sr./Johnson drops his pants and lets nature take its course.Colbert and Jon Stewart out take video clip that talks a bit about the weather:| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
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