*** Get a grin at some great cartoons and funny quotes about parents' favorite time of the year: when the kids go back to school.If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. HoweBeing a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. ~ Erma BombeckLabor Day is a glorious holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken. - Bill DoddsYou send your child to the schoolmaster, but 'tis the schoolboys who educate him. - Ralph Waldo EmersonAs long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. - AnonymousI like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework. - Lily Tomlin as "Edith Ann"Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. - AnonymousThere are three good reasons to be a teacher - June, July, and August. - AnonymousWhat we want is to see the child in pursuit of knowledge, and not knowledge in pursuit of the child. - George Bernard ShawA professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep. - W.H. AudenA cross-eyed teacher can keep twice the number of children in order than any other, because the pupils do not know who she's looking at. - Four Hundred Laughs: Or, Fun Without Vulgarity, compiled and edited by John R. Kemble, 1902Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. - Robert GallagherI have never let my schooling interfere with my education. ~ Mark TwainIt doesn't make much difference what you study, as long as you don't like it. - Finley Peter DunneYou can get all A's and still flunk life. - Walker PercyEducation is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. - Albert EinsteinIf you think education is expensive, try ignorance. - Attributed to both Andy McIntyre and Derek BokEducation aims to give you a boost up the ladder of knowledge. Too often, it just gives you a cramp on one of its rungs. - Martin H. FischerEducation would be much more effective if its purpose was to ensure that by the time they leave school every boy and girl should know how much they do not know, and be imbued with a lifelong desire to know it. - William HaleyHome computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. - Doug LarsonEducation is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught. - Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist," 1890Did you know America ranks the lowest in education but the highest in drug use? It's nice to be number one, but we can fix that. All we need to do is start the war on education. If it's anywhere near as successful as our war on drugs, in no time we'll all be hooked on phonics. - Leighann LordWhen a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course. - Peter DruckerI think everyone should go to college and get a degree and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cabdriver. Then they would really be educated. - Al McGuireEducation is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. - Daniel J. Boorstin, Democracy and Its DiscontentsThe founding fathers... provided jails called schools, equipped with tortures called education. School is where you go between when your parents can't take you and industry can't take you. - John Updike, The Centaur, 1963You learn something every day if you pay attention. - Ray LeBlondI am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught. - Winston ChurchillEvery act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's self-esteem. That is why young children, before they are aware of their own self-importance, learn so easily. - Thomas SzaszThe illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn. - Alvin TofflerIf a doctor, lawyer, or dentist had 40 people in his office at one time, all of whom had different needs, and some of whom didn't want to be there and were causing trouble, and the doctor, lawyer, or dentist, without assistance, had to treat them all with professional excellence for nine months, then he might have some conception of the classroom teacher's job. - Donald D. Quinn*** For more laughs check out this post:Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 16 Aug 2010 - Check out this week's funny late night jokes and latest cartoons lampooning politics to American culture, with a funny side dish of funny video clips thrown in to keep you grinning.*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates! *** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:The Social Poets - news, politicsThe Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychologyVisual Insights - photos, art, musicBeautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophyPoems From A Spiritual Heart - poetryThe Healing Waters - health newsDennys People Watching - people in the newsDennys Food and RecipesDennys Funny Quotes - humor
*** Enjoy some funny brain quotes, funny jokes about brain power, funny brain photos and interesting real facts about our amazing brains!From Denny: I had a lot of fun putting together this post. The things you learn while writing... :)QuotesThe human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. — George JesselI believe in an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out. — Arthur Hays SulzbergerSee, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. — Robin WilliamsKnowledge fills a large brain; it merely inflates a small one. - Sydney HarrisGod gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly, the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met. — Farrah FawcettIf little else, the brain is an educational toy. - Tom RobbinsBooks: the children of the brain. - Jonathan SwiftSculpture outside a psychiatrist's office - psych joke?I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me. — Pooh (A. A. Milne), from Winnie-the-PoohThe way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too. — Ellen DeGeneres, on cell phones and drivingBrain: An apparatus with which we think we think. — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's DictionaryAristotle was famous for knowing everything. He taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons. — Will CuppyEstimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250 — Harper's IndexI used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. — Emo PhillipsI've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. — Groucho MarxHomer Simpson: "How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course, and I forgot how to drive? - From The SimpsonsFrom The Rocky and Bullwinkle ShowBullwinkle: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit."General: "What does that make you?"Bullwinkle: "What else? An executive..."Arthur Weasley: "Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain. - From Harry Potter and The Chamber of SecretsCliff Clavin: "Interesting little article here. It says that the average human being only uses 17% of his brain. Boy, you realize what that means? We don't use a full, uh... 64%. - From CheersRoz Doyle: "And as for my hangover, it was worth it. I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey! - From FrasierMichael Scott: This website is the brainchild of my brainchild, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild. - From The OfficeThe Ultimate Brain Teaser: If one in every four Americans has some form of mental illness, then think of your three best friends. If they're okay, than its you. - AnonymousSome Brain FactsIt is not possible to tickle yourself. The cerebellum, a part of the brain, warns the rest of the brain that you are about to tickle yourself. Since your brain knows this, it ignores the resulting sensation.The human brain has about 100,000,000,000 (100 billion) neurons. That's about 166 times the number of people on the planet.Number of neurons in octopus brain = 300 millionNumber of neurons in honey bee brain = 950,000 From all the oxygen that a human breathes, twenty percent goes to the brain.Your brain uses approximately 20% of the total oxygen pumping around your body and about 750 ml of blood pumps through your brain every minute.Unconsciousness will occur after 8-10 seconds after loss of blood supply to the brain.Your brain consists of 60 percent white matter and 40 percent gray matter.People who ride on roller coasters have a higher chance of having a blood clot in the brain.Your brain is 75 percent water.Your brain is move active and thinks more at night than during the day.Information travels at different speeds within different types of neurons. Transmission can be as slow as 0.5 meters/sec or as fast as 120 meters/sec. Traveling at 120 meters/sec is the same as going 268 miles/hour.The weight of an average human brain is about 1300-1400g - @ 3lbs i.e., almost one bag of sugar and about the size of a cantaloupe and wrinkled like a walnut.The brain feels like a ripe avocado and looks pink because of the blood flowing through it.Think positive because when you do, you’ll keep the doctor away: Studies show that 50-70% of visits to the doctor for physical ailments can be traced to psychological reasons.Eat well, and it’ll have positive effects on your brain, because a study of one million New York students showed that those who ate lunches without additives such as artificial flavours, preservatives and dyes performed 14% better in IQ tests.That being said, your brain is the most fatty organ in your body.Your brain generates 25 watts of power while you're awake - enough to illuminate a light bulb.A newborn baby's brain grows almost 3 times in course of first year.Humans have the most complex brain of any animal on earth.Your brain is divided into two sides. The left side of your brain controls the right side of your body; and, the right side of your brain controls the left side of your body. Toxins in commonplace items such as carpeting and shower curtains may be contributing to memory loss over time? Overexposure to aluminum compounds—in foil, cookware, deodorants, antacids, toothpaste—can affect brain function.Lavender can help you sleep.A cooked potato can jump-start your brain when you're feeling foggy.The essential oil of jasmine can quickly restore mental alertness.Eating foods rich in vitamin E, beta-carotene, and vitamin C may help lower your risk of Alzheimer's disease.Certain prescription and nonprescription drugs may dramatically affect your ability to concentrate.The number of internal thought pathways that your brain is capable of producing is: one followed by 10.5 million kilometers of standard typewritten zero's.Your skin weighs twice as much as your brain.Your cerebral cortex is about as thick as a tongue depressor. It grows thicker as you learn and use it.The world record for time without sleep is 264 hours (11 days) by Randy Gardner in 1965Funny Brain Jokes"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."An old couple was watching TV one evening, and the husband got up to go to the kitchen. His wife told him to get her some iced tea, and knowing that the years had taken their toll on his memory, she told him to write it down."I can remember iced tea," he protested."But I want sugar in my tea too," she told him, "so write it down."He told her he could remember iced tea with sugar."I want a slice of lemon too." she said, "Just write it down."He left the room grumbling to himself. A few minutes later he came back with a plate full of mashed potatoes for her."Now look what you've done!" she yelled at him, "You forgot my gravy!"Three Old MenThree old men were sitting on a park bench comparing notes on the problems of growing old. The first said he couldn't remember the last time he had a good bowel movement. The second one said his problem was more with his bladder and prostate. The third old man laughed and said he must be the lucky one."Every morning at seven I pee, and then at eight I have a good dump," he told them. "I just wish I could wake up before nine."Brain Teaser One-Liners- On the other hand, you have different fingers. - He was lost in thought because it was unfamiliar territory. - Nothing is really foolproof for a sufficiently talented fool.- The latest poll finds that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.- "Nobody goes where the crowds are any more. It's too crowded." - Yogi Berra- "Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?" - Lily Tomlin- "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve it by not dying." - Woody Allen- He started out with nothing, and he still has most of it. - It was decided that his sole purpose in life was to serve as a bad example.- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving may not be for you.- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.- Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.- The philosopher was laying in bed one night, looking up at the moon, and he thought to himself, "Where the heck is my ceiling?" - He doesn't suffer from stress - he's a carrier. - And if I was getting smart with you, how would you know?- How can there be self-help "groups"?- Is there another word for 'synonym'?*** For more grins be sure to check out this post: Monday Morning Brain Owners Manual*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates! *** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:The Social Poets - news, politicsThe Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychologyVisual Insights - photos, art, musicBeautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophyPoems From A Spiritual Heart - poetryThe Healing Waters - health newsDennys People Watching - people in the newsDennys Food and RecipesDennys Funny Quotes - humor
*** Get a grin from these funny texting quotes, humorous texting cartoons and enjoy two popular hip hop and dance videos while you read and laugh.From Denny: And truly not to be missed if you are part of the clueless generation, finally, a place to give you all the answers to all those texting abbreviations your kids (and/or grandkids) are doing in front of you - instead of behind your back like previous self-respecting generations of sneaky teenagers! :)The state of texting today by Mick StevensThe List of Chat Acronyms & Text Message ShorthandCell Phone Text Messaging ShorthandTop 50 Internet Acronyms Parents Need to KnowTop 50 More Acronyms Every Parent Should KnowTop 50 Popular Text & Chat AcronymsTop 50 Newbie Terms Everyone Needs to KnowMake sure to play this fast-paced song while you read:It is fun to learn a language inside a language. Every generation has code talk they don't want the parents to understand. But this savvy high tech generation? Parents, you are so screwed these days. :) Top 50 Funniest Terms Used in the Online World:all your base are belong to us - An incoherent line from a Japanese video game called Zero Wing by Sega Genesis, it...angry garden salad - Slang for a poorly designed Web site GUI with incorrect code behind it (so that if...assicons - A funny take on emoticons, "assicons" (like boobiecons) involve another body part....boobiecons - Another funny take on emoticons, "boobiecons" (like assicons) involve another body...cappuccino cowboy - A nickname for a person who just has to have a Starbucks coffee or other type of roadie...chillaxin - Slang for chilling and relaxing, as in "What up? Not much, just chillaxin." chips and salsa - Chips refers to computer hardware. Salso refers to software. cluster funk - When a multitude of things go wrong on a computer system, at the same time.cornea gumbo - A visually noisy or over-designed Web site, usually with too many graphics.crapplet - A badly written or totally useless Java applet, as in, "I just wasted thirty minutes.dancing baloney - Gratuitous animated GIFs and other Web special effects that are used to impress clients.digital doppelganger - Another name for your online persona, for example, the founder of NetLingo's "digital.double geeking - When you use two computers at the same time. "Triple-geeking" is using three computers.easter egg - A hidden element written into a program or placed on a Web site. eating your own dog food - When a computer company uses its own software for internal projects.echo chamber - Traditionally, an "echo chamber" describes a group of media outlets that tend to parrot.fat finger - To make an error in typing, as in, "Oops, I didn't see that misspelling. flame war - When an online discussion degenerates into a series of personal attacks.fortune cookie - An inane, witty, or profound comment that can be found around the net. fram - Slang for spam sent to you by your friends or family. gingerbread house - Slang for a company that hires NCGs, places them in high-pressure positions.grok - To "get it" or to understand something so completely that you absorb it and practically...hairball - Any tangled mess. Often refers to poorly written computer code with Microsoft's name.ID10T - An acronym, actually an expression, used among tech support personnel to disguise...meatloaf - Unlike spam, which is unsolicited commercial e-mail (UCE), meatloaf is unsolicited...middle school dance - Slang for a situation in which two pieces of equipment are both waiting for the other.ohnosecond - The fraction of time it takes to realize you've just goofed.open your kimono - Silicon Valley slang for revealing your business idea to someone after he or she signs an NDA. PITA - As in, "What a PITA," it is an acronym used primarily in texting, online chat, instant...plonk - To kill (or filter-out) a particular person's messages from the newsgroups you read.POTATO - This is what's known as a hilarious acronym! For example, "did you get a load of that...prairie dogging - Slang for when someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm.rasterbator - A designer who's become a compulsive digital manipulator or Photoshop abuser.router droppings - The inclusions added to e-mail messages when a server or recipient cannot be found.salmon day - Workplace slang that refers to the experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream.scribe tribes - Netizens who publish their journals, diaries, and daily ramblings on the Web and organize.script kiddies - In general, this is slang for people who find tools on the Internet.seagull manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything, and then leaves.shareware girl - Office jargon for the coolest girl in the company, the one that all the programmers...Siliconia - Nicknames for cities and areas with a heavy concentration of high-tech firms. "Siliconia"...spam - An e-mail message sent to a large number of people without consent, also known as...splog - "Splogs" are amateur blogs with mostly stolen content that are published by spurious...time porn - Popular entertainment in general. Traditionally this term referred to TV shows like...turklebaum - Based on a phony e-mail message about a fellow named Turklebaum (who allegedly died...velveeta - To cross-post to an excessive number of newsgroups. walled garden - A favorite term by those in the industry, a "walled garden" refers to certain Web...wallhumper - Office slang for a person who raises their hip in an effort to swipe their electronic...warez - This word is considered by many users to be a catchall term for software which includes...word-of-mouse - Gossip or information spread via the net, usually through e-mail, blogs or newsgroup postings. zen mail - E-mail messages that arrive with no text in the message body.More groove while you read and laugh music:Funny Texting One Liners:Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man.If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of most women. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses. Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? That's how dogs spend their lives.When a woman says, 'I don't wish to mention any names', it means it ain't necessary to mention any names.When women go wrong, men go right after them.She looked as if she'd been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say 'when.'I'm glad I'm not bisexual; I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women. (Now there's a dilemma to ponder...)Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's holiday and finding out she spent two weeks at a nudist camp.Why were males created before females? Coz you always need a rough draft before the final copy.I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. (Now there's a plan.)Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.Employee: Who's there?Boss: Not you anymore.The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A scary woman who knows everything.What is the thinnest book in the world?What Men Know About Women.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it backAs a computer, I find your faith in technology amusingNothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.My Reality Check bounced.Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.If I throw a stick, will you leave?I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.Does your train of thought have a caboose?Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.A woman's favorite position is CEO.I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial.It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.No, my powers can only be used for good.A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the subatomic level I'm really quite busy.Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.Too many freaks, not enough circuses.Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?Chaos, panic and disorder; my work here is done.Never trust a dog to watch your food.Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.How they text in the Philippines:Any man who can text while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the text the attention it deserves.Why do I miss you? Because you make me smile. You are so kind. You are so sweet. You are very funny. And most of all, because you are not texting me any more. That's why.Every time I hold her hand, I feel like holding my cheek. She always slaps me on the face.You've got sex appeal, you've got style, you've got intelligence, and you've got class. You've got the face and you've got the body but I've got the wrong number.We hate others for imitating us. We are irritated by their attitude.Why do we sleep? Because we need to take a break from texting. Have a nice dream while texting.If you are alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. If you need money, wait for your salary.No matter how sad, no matter how sick, I feel better just thinking of you... But I'm happier each time I send you a message 'coz I know I'll be disturbing you!You think I'm nice, I think you're nice. You think I'm kind, I think you're kind. You think I can be trusted, I think you can. You think I'm cute, and I think you're right.This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number. We are truly sorry for the inconvenience.Money will buy a bed but not sleep, food but not appetite, amusement but not happiness. You see, money is not everything. Therefore, if you have too much, please send it to me ASAP!Yesterday is history.... Tomorrow is a mystery.... Today is a gift.... That's why its called the present!I'm so sorry for not telling you this before. You ought to know how smart, cute, witty, sweet, charming, alluring and wonderful you are!... I didn't know I've influenced you that much!Newsflash: Police are looking for a suspect who's smart, sexy, witty and very gorgeous. They've already eliminated you from the list of suspects. Where do you think I should hide?If I were to make a dictionary: CUTE=you; SWEET=you; THOUGHTFUL=you; GOOD LOOKING=you; GORGEOUS=you; LIAR=me!Those innocent eyes... Those kissable lips... A great smile... The perfect walk... Smoothest talk... Absolutely gorgeous.. That's enough bout me. How about you? It takes patience to keep a nagging wife; fortune to keep an ambitious wife; four eyes to keep a pretty wife.Dear fellow texters, Due to Globeline problems, we are experiencing delayed messages. This is why as early as now I would like to greet you a Merry Christmas in July.Trivia: Having a good laugh with friends stimulates endorphins, the brain's natural painkillers. So if you need to laugh and you can't find a friend, I can lend you a mirror.When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-year-old.There are now three ways of describing a glass with water half of its volume. It is either half-full, half-empty or half-safe to drink.*** Bozo Sapien photo by I'm Fantastic @ flickr*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates! *** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:The Social PoetsThe Soul CalendarVisual InsightsBeautiful Illustrated QuotationsPoems From A Spiritual HeartThe Healing WatersDennys Food and RecipesDennys Funny Quotes
*** Enjoy smiling at funny smile quotes and the funny photography!From Denny: With all the negativity swirling around us, the depressing national conversation about the BP Gulf oil spill, we need relief. What could take our minds off all the nagging news than to talk about smiling? Even the ancient Taoists taught about The Inner Smile to relieve tension, stress, and build up our immune systems.Take a moment, read a little, think good thoughts and refresh yourself and enjoy the funny photographers over at flickr!Quotes* Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day. - Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.* A smile confuses an approaching frown. - Anonymous* People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile. - Lee Mildon* A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. - Phyllis Diller* Smile. Have you ever noticed how easily puppies make human friends? Yet all they do is wag their tails and fall over. - Walter Anderson, The Confidence Course, 1997* The world always looks brighter from behind a smile. - Anonymous* Start every day with a smile and get it over with. - W.C. Fields* Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available. - Jim Beggs* A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks. - Charles Gordy* Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. - Mark Twain, Following the Equator* The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. - William Shakespeare, Othello* A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you're at home. - Anonymous* If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it. - Andy Rooney* If you smile at someone, they might smile back. - Anonymous* Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it. - Anonymous* Always remember to be happy because you never know who's falling in love with your smile. - Anonymous* Everyone smiles in the same language. - Anonymous* If you don't have a smile, I'll give you one of mine. - Anonymous* I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful. - Anonymous* Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles. - George Eliot* She gave me a smile I could feel in my hip pocket. - Raymond Chandler* Smiling is infectious,You can catch it like the flu.Someone smiled at me today,And I started smiling too. - Anonymous* A smile appeared upon her face as if she'd taken it directly from her handbag and pinned it there. - Loma Chandler* A laugh is a smile that bursts. - Mary H. Waldrip* Smile - sunshine is good for your teeth. - Anonymous* The shortest distance between two people is a smile. - Anonymous* If you don't start out the day with a smile, it's not too late to start practicing for tomorrow. - Anonymous* Smiling is my favorite exercise. - Anonymous* I have a tickle in my brain. And it keeps making the corners of my mouth point toward the heavens. - Jeb Dickerson, www.howtomatter.com* Wear a smile - one size fits all. - Anonymous* No matter how grouchy you're feeling,You'll find the smile more or less healing.It grows in a wreathAll around the front teeth -Thus preserving the face from congealing. - Anthony Euwer* Every day you spend without a smile, is a lost day. - Anonymous* Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing. - Mother Teresa* A friendly look, a kindly smile, one good act, and life's worthwhile. - Anonymous* A kind heart is a fountain of gladness, making everything in its vicinity freshen into smiles. - Washington Irving* Beauty is power; a smile is its sword. - Charles Reade* A smile is the universal welcome. - Max Eastman* Keep smiling - it makes people wonder what you've been up to. - Anonymous* You're never fully dressed without a smile. - Martin Charnin* A smile can brighten the darkest day. - Anonymous* It takes seventeen muscles to smile and forty-three to frown. - Anonymous* Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important. - Janet Lane* All the statistics in the world can't measure the warmth of a smile. - Chris Hart* If you would like to spoil the day for a grouch, give him a smile. - Anonymous* Smile - it increases your face value. - Anonymous* Peace begins with a smile. - Mother Teresa* A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. ~Author Unknown* Most smiles are started by another smile. - Anonymous* A smile is something you can't give away; it always comes back to you. - Anonymous* A smile costs nothing but gives much. It enriches those who receive without making poorer those who give. It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None is so rich or mighty that he cannot get along without it and none is so poor that he cannot be made rich by it. Yet a smile cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give. - Anonymous* It takes a lot of work from the face to let out a smile, but just think what good smiling can bring to the most important muscle of the body... the heart. - Anonymous* A smile is the universal welcome. - Max Eastman* A warm smile is the universal language of kindness. - William Arthur Ward* Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful. - Thich Nhat Hanh* Don't cry for a man who has left you, the next one may fall for your smile. - Mae West* If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning 'Good morning' at total strangers. - Maya Angelou* If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it. - Andy Rooney* It takes seventeen muscles to smile and forty-three to frown. - AnonymousI guess I'm lazy 'cause I go for just the 17... :)* Wear a smile. One size fits all. - AnonymousPhoto CreditsYou are never fully dressed without a smile photo by serendipity @ flickrSmile and the whole world smiles with you boy against white flowers photo by Zanastardust @ flickrSmiling white-faced dog by Rennett Stowe @ flickrFunny pink heart glasses smile by Pink Sherbet Photography @ flickrLittle girl in yellow giggling by MelvinSchlubman @ flickrFunny Bozo nose smile by pulguita @ flickrSmile food plate by the_moment @ flickrUnderwater smile by Jonf728 @ flickrFunny smiling cat by [puamelia] @ flickr*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates! *** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:The Social PoetsDennys Global PoliticsThe Soul CalendarVisual InsightsBeautiful Illustrated QuotationsPoems From A Spiritual HeartThe Healing WatersDennys Art SanctuaryRomancing The ChocolateComfort Food From LouisianaUnusual 2 TastyDennys Blog FeedsDennys Funny QuotesOuch Outrageous Obnoxious And Odd
*** Just how many gaffes can a British CEO make? Infinite. Collected here are funny video links, BP political cartoons, outrageous news clips of testimony and now infamous Tony Hayward quotes about the Gulf oil spill. An exclusive photo of BP's CEO Tony Hayward's lying tongue. Be sure to pass it on to the reputable National Enquirer.From Denny: Colbert could not have written a funnier script than the political theatre we received this week from when Big Oil came to town and threw BP under the bus. Talk about dark humor and black comedy from the dark side. I've also collected just a few of the copious outrageous statements from BP's CEO, the not so beloved Tony Hayward. BP's chairman Svanburg elicited angry screaming howls from Louisianians and other Gulf Coast residents when he referred to us as "small people," you know those pesky annoying peasants who dare to raise their voices of protest against us. That's how his disingenuous lame idea of an apology was received. Other Europeans can try and offer cover for him, claiming his English isn't that great. Right. I've met enough Swedes to know their English is usually better than most Americans and their understanding of the language is most excellent. This guy would not be chairman if his English was poor because the British are as lame as my fellow Americans at not bothering to apply themselves to learn other languages. The British have to hire foreigners with good second language skills or they could not communicate.It is stunning to chronicle the vast number of "arrogant speak" from the various BP executives of which Hayward is the most odious and insensitive. For those who don't have BS radar in the back of their heads like I do from a childhood of growing up inside America's ruthless intelligence community, then watch the TV show called "Lie to Me." Oddly enough, the star of the show is a thickly accented Brit. The show is based off the 1950's research which was paid for and used by the intelligence community. One of my favorites of body language is the hidden smirk - that grinning hyena look - that flickers underneath the surface of the boyish, quizzically raised oh, so innocent eyebrows, masking poker face of BP's CEO Tony Hayward. He actually thinks he is successful at deceiving people with his words. The reality is he is laughing into this proverbial sleeve at everyone listening to him. He knows he is lying and is laughing all the way to the bank. It really does make you wonder about the state of British business and just how corrupt they truly are systemically. There was a time when everyone in the world used to respect Britain for standing up for what is right and honorable. Now? Now it is clear they are as amoral as American Big Business.
It was certainly entertaining to watch Democratic lawmakers with some fire in the belly scrape BP and it's fellow oily villains off the walls. Exxon - a big refinery here in Louisiana and actually a decent record here in how they treat their employees - got chick slapped for providing contingency plans with only nine pages for clean up and over 40 pages for "how to handle the media." Good luck with that one, guys. I am so not "getting handled." Watch CBS News Videos OnlineJust check out the headlines where BP is the world's newest villain. It's like suddenly the entire world has awakened - finally - to how serious it is to allow corporate greed and arrogance to run wild without restraints, creating damages to our environment, health and safety:BP chief's gaffe adds fuel to the fire ahead of congressional hearing"But as he left the White House, BP's chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg provoked fresh irritation among the oil company's critics with a poorly worded apology to the American people. He pledged to repair the damage caused by the spill and to look after all the shrimpers, fishermen, tourist workers and property owners affected."We care about the small people," said Svanberg, a native Swedish speaker who was formerly the head of the telecoms company Ericsson. "I hear comments sometimes that large oil companies are greedy companies or don't care but that's not the case with BP. We care about the small people."
Lawmakers Tear Into Oil Companies at Hearing"Representative Bart Stupak, a Democrat and one of the lawmakers heading a probe of the disaster, criticized the companies' response plans for offshore accidents. He singled out Exxon Mobil for having a 40-page media response strategy, including pre-written talking points. "Exxon Mobil's plan appears more concerned about public perception than wildlife protection given the fact that their media plan is fives times longer than its plan for protecting wildlife," said Stupak, adding that all of the companies' plans were "virtually worthless when an actual spill occurs.""At Congressional Hearing, Oil C.E.O.’s Throw B.P. Under the Bus, or Rig, or Whatever"Top brass from America’s largest oil companies testified before the House Energy and Commerce Committee this afternoon. In their statements, the executives attempted to characterize their respective companies’ drilling practices as not as bad as those of B.P. How’d this work out for them?Rex W. Tillerson, the impossibly named chairman of Exxon Mobil, and John S. Watson, the Sherlock Holmes character who moonlights as Chevron’s chief executive, both implied that the Gulf oil spill could have been prevented had B.P. taken proper precautions. It’s a departure from commonplace evil-executive Congressional hearing behavior: even those fellows from Goldman Sachs would barely admit that anyone at any time should have done anything differently."
Oil execs turn against BP in Congress hearing"The planet's most powerful oil executives found their well-tailored behinds planted in the Congressional hot seat today, as the House Energy and Commerce Committee grilled the chiefs of ExxonMobil, ConocoPhillips, Chevron, Shell, and, of course, BP America about the Gulf oil spill and drilling safety.""Rep. Bart Stupak noted that Exxon's disaster response plan has 9 pages on oil removal and 40 pages on dealing with media. Ouch."At Congressional Hearing, BP Official Resists Defining 'Legitimate' Claims""We are going to pay all legitimate claims," Willis said, repeating a company refrain that has drawn skepticism from lawmakers and from plaintiffs' advocates, who have brought scores of class actions and other lawsuits against BP and other companies.Rep. Jerry Nadler, D-N.Y., pressed Willis repeatedly to define "legitimate." He asked, for example, whether BP would compensate people who, hypothetically, might be injured by the chemical dispersant BP is using to reduce the impact of the oil spill."Is that a valid claim?" Nadler asked."They can file a claim, yes," Willis said."I didn't ask if they can file a claim," Nadler shot back. "Is that a claim that you will pay?""Every claim will be evaluated," Willis said."Can you answer yes or no, please?" Nadler asked.Willis would not, as the exchange continued. "We're going to do the right thing. We're going to respond to this in an effective manner, and we realize we're going to be judged based on our response," he said."And for the cheeky among us who will appreciate the New Orleans sense of humor:New Orleans runs $5m anti-British campaign – paid for by BP"The B in BP may no longer mean British, but tell that to New Orleans. The city is using a $5m cheque from the company to launch what might be seen as only a slightly tongue-in-cheek anti-British campaign, aimed at luring tourists who might be discouraged by the approaching oil spill.New Orleans is using BP's money to launch a series of television and newspaper advertisements across the US on Friday, including one that declares: "This isn't the first time New Orleans has survived the British."The slogan is set against a statue of General Andrew Jackson, who repelled a British assault on New Orleans back in 1814."
Quotes* However, Chairman of the Energy and Commerce Committee Henry Waxman thought Exxon Mobil, Chevron, ConocoPhillips and Shell "are no better prepared to deal with a major oil spill than was BP."Waxman said last week, the committee asked each of the five major oil companies for their oil spill response plans and these plans are impressive documents "on paper.""The same company -- the Response Group -- wrote the five plans and described them as cookie cutter plans," Waxman said. "Exxon Mobil, Chevron, ConocoPhillips and Shell are as unprepared as BP."Tillerson, Watson, Mulva and President of Shell oil company Marvin Odum all acknowledged that their emergency response blueprints could not have coped with the spill. - English News* Democratic Representative Edward Markey, who chaired the hearing, blasted the companies for referring to protecting walruses, "which have not called the Gulf of Mexico home for three million years," and including the name and phone number of a specialist who died in 2005 in their plans. - English News
* Representative Bart Stupak, one of the lawmakers heading a probe of the disaster, slammed the companies' response plans for offshore accidents. He singled out Exxon Mobil for having a 40-page media response strategy, including pre-written talking points."Exxon Mobil's plan appears more concerned about public perception than wildlife protection given the fact that their media plan is fives times longer than its plan for protecting wildlife," said Stupak, adding that all of the companies' plans were "virtually worthless when an actual spill occurs." - English News* Representative Jay Inslee, a Democrat, questioned why BP paid chief executive Tony Hayward 36 million dollars last year while spending just 10 million dollars on research."Do you think that is appropriate prioritization?" Inslee asked Chairman and President of BP America Lamar McKay, who did not respond.Tuesday's hearing came as a USA Today/Gallup poll showed 71 percent of Americans say the Obama administration has not been tough enough in its dealings with BP and 53 percent of Americans rate Obama's handling of the spill as "poor" or "very poor."It also marked the first time that the chief executives of the major oil companies -- which last year earned a combined 64 billion dollars -- were called before Congress following the Deepwater Horizon explosion. - English News* In a tense exchange, Rep. Edward Markey, D-Mass. insisted repeatedly that McKay "apologize to the American people for "lowballing" for weeks the amount of oil that was gushing from the damaged wellhead. BP had said 5,000 barrels (210,000 gallons) a day were being released when it's now known that possibly ten times that amount may have been flowing, said Markey. "Are you ready to apologize for getting that number wrong," repeated Markey. McKay said "those were not BP's estimates" but those of the government's "unified command" dealing with the response. "We are sorry for everything the Gulf coast is going through," McKay finally said. So far, 114 million gallons of oil have poured into the Gulf under the worst-case scenario described by scientists — a rate of more than 2 million gallons a day. BP has collected 5.6 million gallons of oil through its latest containment cap on top of the well, or about 630,000 gallons per day. - MSNBCPhoto by I'm Fantastic @ flickrBP CEO Tony Hayward Quotes: Winner of The Most Gaffes by a CEO and the Bozo Sapien Award* 4 June 2010 - From CNN: In his first interview with investors and analysts since the spill, the gaffe-prone executive didn't fail to deliver a one-liner for which he's become infamous. In response to his handling of the poor press, he said, "I'm a Brit, I can take it." This latest line won't improve his perception among Americans, or with anyone for that matter.* 2 June 2010 - In response to clean up workers getting sick from the dispersant and the oil spill reporting issues with dizziness, headaches and nausea: "I am sure they were genuinely ill, but whether it was anything to do with dispersants and oil, whether it was food poisoning or some other reason for them being ill, you know, there's a—food poisoning is surely a big issue when you've got a concentration of this number of people in temporary camps, temporary accommodations."* 1 June 2010 - Hayward's playing the "victim card, believing "he's at the 'vortex' of a frenzy." Hayward thinks the American frenzy is the result of two factors. "There are those who want the Obama presidency to fail and they want this spill to be his 'Hurricane Katrina' - the domestic disaster which so undermined George W. Bush.""And there are those who don't like oil and want energy policy to be in a different place." Hayward says he is optimistic about his latest plan to cap the well with a specially engineered dome to help stem the flow. The BP CEO also claimed his company had a contingency plan to limit the spills in case of hurricanes.By now we all know that Hayward's inept handling of the capping operation resulted in twice the oil now gushing into the Gulf. Do we really believe he has a good contingency plan for hurricanes? There is no one left on the planet that is that gullible.* 31 May 2010 - "The first thing to say is I'm sorry. We're sorry for the massive disruption it's caused their lives. There's no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back." (What a whiner. So much for the tough talk of being a Brit "who can take it.")* 30 May 2010 - "The oil is on the surface," Hayward said. "There aren't any plumes." One plume was found 42 miles off Louisiana and about 400 feet deep. Another plume was found to be far larger and 22 miles long, six miles wide and more than a thousand feet deep. Scientists did not allow this lying Hayward statement to stand against the facts.* 18 May 2010 - "I think the environmental impact of this disaster is likely to be very, very modest." Later that day Hayward was asked if he could sleep well at night considering the disastrous effects of this oil spill to the Gulf Coast's economy and way of life. His answer: "Of course I can."* 14 May 2010 - One of his most famous gaffes, besides the "I want my life back" one that infuriated environmentalists and Gulf Coast residents, is what he spoke to the UK's Guardian. Hayward on what he thinks is such a small ratio that the ocean can clean itself in no time, "The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume." In only two months there are over 100 million gallons of oil filling the Gulf and still adding over two million gallons a day. Over a million gallons of cancer-causing dispersant outlawed in Britain was sprayed into the air on the Gulf Coast and into the ocean. If this is such a small ratio why is it the Coast Guard yesterday found a floating tar ball that weighed over a ton? If this ratio is so small as Hayward claims why is it causing major air and water pollution and wildlife and fish kills?* 29 April 2010 - After the oil spill occurred in the Gulf of Mexico, Hayward was reported to have complained to his fellow BP executives, "What the hell did we do to deserve this?" You have got to be kidding me. Hayward feels he is the victim here? The families of the eleven lost loved ones could ask that same question of him.* 12 May 2009 - Addressing the Stanford University Graduate School of Business, Hayward remarks about how the culture of BP needed changing and he said: "We had too many people who were working to save the world..." Which basically means that when Hayward took over the company he fired all the people of conscience who were trying to pull the oil out of the earth in a responsible and safe manner, with as little impact on the oceans and environment as possible. Hayward's cavalier attitude is to hang all that somewhere else and just ruthlessly get the oil. If there are accidents or problems then just leave the oil leaking and walk away from responsibility and accountability. Hayward claims his only job is "to increase shareholders ... not worry about the environment."* 25 September 2007 - Don't you just love those company internal memos? Oh, how they can be so damning. Hayward was trying to separate his new leadership from the previous BP CEO by calling the company's structure "flawed." Hayward declared BP's performance to be "dreadful." Of course, that idiot remark led to a huge drop in the company's value. Then Hayward continued to dig the hole deeper, "There is massive duplication and lack of clarity of who does what." Yeah, that's telling them, Tony. Sure looks like Hayward has a pattern of misspeak and insensitivity combined with his passive-aggressive stance of the blame game. He likes to project his mistakes onto others. What a weasel.* 13 January 2007 - This statement was from one of Hayward's first interviews after being named head of BP: "Leaders must make the safety of all who work for them their top priority. My enduring priorities are, firstly, continued improvement in the safety of our operations all around the world." You see, this hollow pledge was directed at the Texas refinery explosion in 2005 and another problem in Alaska with a leak in the Alaska pipeline in 2006. Do we see a pattern of depraved indifference here with this guy?Thursday, 17 June 2010, Congress is grilling BP CEO Tony Hayward. Stay tuned for more smirking cavalier ridiculous quotes from this guy.For some great laughs, especially from lampooning Colbert, check out these funny videos and political cartoons. There are some good news posts linked here too of what you may have missed that the mainstream media news shows didn't cover. Who knows? Maybe you will get an education while you are laughing, laughing so hard because you just can't believe anyone is this ridiculous as these BP execs - all in need of firing without compensation or retirement plans. President Obama said it all, "They wouldn't be working for me as I would have fired them by now."*** SEE ALSO:Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 14 June 2010*** SEE ALSO:Whats Happening in America This Week: BP Oil Spill Cartoons - 29 May 2010*** SEE ALSO: Funny Colbert Video: BP CEO Tony Hayward Is an Evil Box of Priggish Entitled Baking Soda*** SEE ALSO: Funny Colbert Video: BP Perplexed Stock Value Sinks*** SEE ALSO:Funny Video: Upright Citizens Brigade Mocks BP Execs*** SEE ALSO:Funny Video: BP Creates Rich Fish in Gulf Oil Spill*** SEE ALSO:Cartoons: Obama vs. BPs Oil Spill - 5 June 2010*** SEE ALSO:BP Promotes Philosophy: The Minimum Acceptable*** SEE ALSO: Good clean up idea -Effective Cheap Idea to Clean Up Oil Spill: Treated Cotton Fabric*** SEE ALSO: Speaker Pelosi, Residents Fire Upon BP - News Headlines 11 June 2010*** SEE ALSO:Krewe of Dead Pelicans BP Protest Parade, Oil Spill Stories - News Headlines 8 June 2010*** SEE ALSO:Obamas Oval Office Speech, CEO Weigh in on Obama, Reality of BPs $20 Billion Escrow - News Headlines 16 June 2010*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
*** Funny volcano and weather quotes, jokes, political cartoons and funny video all designed to make you laugh til your boss fires you for "excessive merriment."The latest volcano hair style in ash white...From Denny: While we are all waiting breathlessly for the tacky BP oil spill jokes to emerge, beyond the great political cartoons already posted on this blog, why not indulge the volcano jokes? Iceland has a great sense of humor about impending disaster and the slow burn of economic die-off just like here in south Louisiana. We both seem to have that "gallows humor" going on. If you can't poke fun at yourself and the crazy world we live in where's the fun in life? Besides, on the serious uptake, laughing takes off the pressure so you can do some serious problem-solving in your life. Someone send all my funny posts and funny blogs to BP because they definitely need something to help them solve the gargantuan problem in the Gulf.
Please attach a cover letter warning them that Congress has amended American law to include lying as an offense punishable by the minimum of 50 years hard labor for each lie. There is no consideration for time served and no cap for the judge's sentencing guidelines, just thought you might like to know that Republican styled "tort reform" tidbit. Each liar is responsible for their own lies, including CEOs, PR agents, lobbyists, politicians and lawyers. Read that as "Do not pass Go - it's straight to jail with you." Might I also suggest the perfect incarceration arrangements? Louisiana's famous prison called Angola is the maximum security prison of your choice, comprised of many interesting neighborly companions. Yeah, it's no country club and is an outstanding recommendation from the people of the Gulf Coast. Many thanks go to British Petroleum for giving us all much to lampoon. It's not every day you get to "enjoy" your very own environmental disaster in your life time. :)Cheeky Quote of the day: Don't dance on a volcano. - French Proverb (self-explanatory)
Iceland Volcano JokesI see that America has declared war on Iceland. Apparently they are accusing them of harboring a "weapon of ash eruption." It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe. Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written all over it. Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash. Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone. Richard Curtis is working on a new romp-com about people stuck in an airport who fall in love. The working title is "Lava Actually."
Strange Facts About Volcanoes:The loudest noise ever known was produced by a volcanic eruption at Krakatoa, near Javan, in 1883. The sound was heard in Australia, 5000 km away. When Laki volcano in Iceland erupted in 1783, its lava flow stretched 65 km, the longest ever recorded. There are over 500 active volcanoes in the world. About 20 per cent of all volcanoes are underwater. About 20 to 30 volcanoes erupt each year, mostly under the sea. Lava from an erupting volcano may be as hot as 1200 degrees centigrade.
Volcano Quotes* Don't dance on a volcano. - French Proverb (self-explanatory)* If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom? - Kahlil Gibran* Volcano: A mountain with hiccups. - Anonymous* I see the mind of a five year old as a volcano with two vents : destructiveness and creativeness. - Sylvia Warner* Great acting can be almost a psychotic mix of self-consciousness and unself-consciousness. And that's the terrible conflict. You have to be free to jump off into that volcano and you have to be pathologically self-conscious. - Alec Baldwin, actor* All civilization has from time to time become a thin crust over a volcano of revolution. - Havelock Ellis * Zeal is a volcano, the peak of which the grass of indecisiveness does not grow. - Kahlil Gibran (Lebanese born American philosophical Essayist, Novelist and Poet. 1883-1931)* Desire is storm, greed is whirlpool, pride is precipice, attachment is avalanche, ego is volcano. Discard desire and you are liberated. - Sri Sathya Sai Baba quotes (Indian Spiritual leader, b.1926)Weather JokesFrom weatherimages.orgThe Unemployed WeathermanAlthough he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."The Call in the Middle of the NightA husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."The Top 15 Odd Side Effects of Hurricanes (as told during the Bush years) 15. Anti-terrorist cruise missile blown off course "just happens" to land on Special Investigator Ken Starr. (the guy who came up with bogus garbage impeachment charges against President Clinton and drug the country through tedious sleaze on the nightly news)14. Drop in barometric pressure causes unexpected Viagra failure and results in a sudden surge in Trans Am purchases. 13. In Florida, howling of winds drowns out howling from Kennedy Compound. 12. Same $100 million hurricane damage in the Carolinas only costs $23.89 dollars in Alabama. 11. Employees at the Olean factory have no problem with orders to evacuate immediately. 10. Pamela Anderson experiences whiplash as breasts fly in opposite directions. 9. Ultra conservative racist Jesse Helms actually observed leaning slightly to the left. 8. South Carolinians can now projectile-vomit over 430 feet! 7. Drop in barometric pressure causes Girl Scout cookies to swell so large that they're temporarily worth six bucks a box. 6. Inexplicable changes in Al Roker's magnetic field. 5. Sudden shortage of (TV show host of sleaze and violence) Jerry Springer guests, as incest and promiscuity take a back seat to gettin' the ol' trailer right-side up again. 4. Headlines with the word "blow", but no mention whatsoever of a certain unnamed Clinton intern made famous. 3. Pre-storm rush allows supermarkets to finally get rid of old stock of Spam and Zima. 2. Earl the plywood salesman starts tippin' fives at the topless club. and Number 1 Odd Side Effect of Hurricanes... 1. White House intern/mistress/Secretary of State Rice get time off while President Bush/Clinton/Bush, Sr./Johnson drops his pants and lets nature take its course.
Weather Quotes* When all is said and done, the weather and love are the two elements about which one can never be sure. - Alice Hoffman* If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes. - Mark Twain* Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? - Kelvin Throop III* No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather. - Michael Pritchard* Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. - George Carlin* Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation. - Kin Hubbard* A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. - Robert Frost
* I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. - Groucho Marx* Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative. - Oscar Wilde* When the goose honk high, fair weather; when the goose honks low, foul weather. - Proverb (I'll be sure to keep that in mind the next time those local Canadian geese fly over my house leaving a trail of honking deposits)* If I'm on the golf course and lightning starts, I get indoors fast. If God wants to play through, let him. - Bob Hope* Even the weather page is in a state of moral decay. What’s wrong with red, white and blue, USA Today? This rainbow weather map is just another example of the homometerological agenda. - Stephen Colbert * Weather is a literary specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article on it. - Mark Twain
*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. HoweBeing a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. ~ Erma BombeckLabor Day is a glorious holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken. - Bill Dodds
You send your child to the schoolmaster, but 'tis the schoolboys who educate him. - Ralph Waldo EmersonAs long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. - AnonymousI like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework. - Lily Tomlin as "Edith Ann"
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. - AnonymousThere are three good reasons to be a teacher - June, July, and August. - AnonymousWhat we want is to see the child in pursuit of knowledge, and not knowledge in pursuit of the child. - George Bernard Shaw
A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep. - W.H. AudenA cross-eyed teacher can keep twice the number of children in order than any other, because the pupils do not know who she's looking at. - Four Hundred Laughs: Or, Fun Without Vulgarity, compiled and edited by John R. Kemble, 1902Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. - Robert Gallagher
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. ~ Mark TwainIt doesn't make much difference what you study, as long as you don't like it. - Finley Peter DunneYou can get all A's and still flunk life. - Walker Percy
Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. - Albert EinsteinIf you think education is expensive, try ignorance. - Attributed to both Andy McIntyre and Derek BokEducation aims to give you a boost up the ladder of knowledge. Too often, it just gives you a cramp on one of its rungs. - Martin H. Fischer
Education would be much more effective if its purpose was to ensure that by the time they leave school every boy and girl should know how much they do not know, and be imbued with a lifelong desire to know it. - William HaleyHome computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. - Doug Larson
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught. - Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist," 1890Did you know America ranks the lowest in education but the highest in drug use? It's nice to be number one, but we can fix that. All we need to do is start the war on education. If it's anywhere near as successful as our war on drugs, in no time we'll all be hooked on phonics. - Leighann Lord
When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course. - Peter DruckerI think everyone should go to college and get a degree and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cabdriver. Then they would really be educated. - Al McGuireEducation is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. - Daniel J. Boorstin, Democracy and Its Discontents
The founding fathers... provided jails called schools, equipped with tortures called education. School is where you go between when your parents can't take you and industry can't take you. - John Updike, The Centaur, 1963You learn something every day if you pay attention. - Ray LeBlondI am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught. - Winston Churchill
Every act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's self-esteem. That is why young children, before they are aware of their own self-importance, learn so easily. - Thomas SzaszThe illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn. - Alvin Toffler
If a doctor, lawyer, or dentist had 40 people in his office at one time, all of whom had different needs, and some of whom didn't want to be there and were causing trouble, and the doctor, lawyer, or dentist, without assistance, had to treat them all with professional excellence for nine months, then he might have some conception of the classroom teacher's job. - Donald D. Quinn
*** For more laughs check out this post:Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 16 Aug 2010 - Check out this week's funny late night jokes and latest cartoons lampooning politics to American culture, with a funny side dish of funny video clips thrown in to keep you grinning.*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates! *** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:The Social Poets - news, politicsThe Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychologyVisual Insights - photos, art, musicBeautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophyPoems From A Spiritual Heart - poetryThe Healing Waters - health newsDennys People Watching - people in the newsDennys Food and RecipesDennys Funny Quotes - humor
