From Denny: Never, never, never go off line for almost 10 days. Trust me; you will regret it. :) While changing over internet providers, lots of funny news and jokes just kept piling up. So, here I am with an avalanche of humor collected from the past three weeks just for you to enjoy. Knock yourselves out and laugh to your heart's content at the amusing comedic observations. I always say that comedians make the best, most outrageous and truthful social commentators!Funny Videos Featured:Funny Video: Stewart Mocks Gov. Jan Brewer Fiasco, Wonders Why Dems Are Lame - One of the best political critics around, Jon Stewart wonders why the Democrats just can't seem to win against inept lying Republicans.Funny Video: Letterman Teases Obama For Frequent Vacations - Irreverent comic Letterman chides both Tiger Woods and Prez Obama for their ideas of relaxation.Funny Video: Jon Stewart Mocks Florida Pastor Behind Planned Koran Bonfire - Comic Jon Stewart wasted no time in analyzing the Burn a Koran Day incident that had the entire world in an uproar from every religious corner.Funny Video: Letterman and Olbermann Laugh at Republican 2012 Contenders - and Beck - Letterman and Olbermann suggest unlikely crazy Republican possibilities for the 2012 Presidential season.Funny Video: Colbert Mocks Beck On His Restore Honor Rally - Only Colbert has the truthful tongue to whiplash Glenn Beck's bizarre arrogance with just the right touch of comedic art and campy irreverence.
From Jay Leno: U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be 'moderately' corrupt. It's the same policy we have in Congress. Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she's now eligible to be governor of Alaska. President Obama will be laying out a new economic plan. Apparently, we had an old economic plan. 
Hillary Clinton opened the Middle East peace talks and said, "People with a history of conflict can learn to live together.' And believe me, she knows what she's talking about. A teacher has been jailed for six months for assigning her students masturbation as homework. What is happening to our education system? Remember when teachers cared enough to have sex with students personally. President Obama is now trying for peace in the Middle East using a two state solution. I believe the two states are denial and delusion. Last night in only his second Oval Office address, President Obama announced the end of Operational Iraqi Freedom. He said we have given the Iraqis a Western-style government. Well, we certainly have, haven't we? Their economy is in shambles, their Congress is corrupt, the country is broke, welcome aboard! Before President Obama's address, he called former President George W. Bush. I'm not saying the economy is bad, but he called collect. I guess they had a pretty cordial conversation. President Bush said for the last 19 months, he's been relaxing and playing golf. President Obama said, 'You too?' 
President Obama said that too many Americans are struggling to find jobs. You know what these Americans are going to be called? Democrats. President Obama was in New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up. President Obama said he can't walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii. Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel. According to government auditors, the stimulus money is being held up because there aren't enough government workers to oversee the spending. So follow me, in other words, government workers who aren't there are needed to spend money we don't have to create jobs that don't exist.The Atlantic had a big article on the inevitability of Israel going to war with Iran over building nuclear weapons. But he White House thinks that strong economic sanctions will bring them to their knees, raise unemployment, and cause their factories to close – the same way those economic sanctions worked right here.President Obama was in Cleveland pitching his latest economic plan. He picked Cleveland because those are the Browns fans, and in September, they'll believe anything.There was one awkward moment when the speech ended at lunch time. 9.6 percent of the people had no job to go back to.President Obama has introduced a $50 billion plan to rebuild the nation's infrastructure. Now, let's think back, remember the first $187 billion stimulus package, wasn't that what that was supposed to do? Remember when we were told about what were called shovel-ready jobs? Whenever Washington talks about shovel-ready jobs, get your shovel ready.U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be 'moderately' corrupt. It's the same policy we have in Congress.Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she's now eligible to be governor of Alaska.President Obama will be laying out a new economic plan. Apparently, we had an old economic plan.Hillary Clinton opened the Middle East peace talks and said, "People with a history of conflict can learn to live together.' And believe me, she knows what she's talking about.A teacher has been jailed for six months for assigning her students masturbation as homework. What is happening to our education system? Remember when teachers cared enough to have sex with students personally.
From Jimmy Fallon: It's rumored that White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi is going to pose nude in Playboy. Salahi said her main motivation for posing in Playboy is the fact that no one's invited her to. At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That's not really a peace plan. That's how you get a 5-year-old to use the bathroom.According to a new poll, Levi Johnston now has lower approval ratings than John Edwards. Levy said he is disappointed with his low approval ratings and will do everything he can to knock them up.Merriam-Webster says that Sarah Palin's made-up word 'refudiate' was the most searched word of the summer. But no matter how hard they tried, Palin's supporters couldn't find the word in the Definitionary or the Wordasaurus. It's rumored that White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi is going to pose nude in Playboy. Salahi said her main motivation for posing in Playboy is the fact that no one's invited her to.
From David Letterman: Mayor Bloomberg may join President Obama's administration. If he does, it will cost about $3 million. They'll have to lower every door knob in the place. Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the Vice President in 2012. It's fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again. 
David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Never Before Said In An Oval Office Address" 10. "Gotta keep this short because I'm going on another vacation." 9. "Watch how fast I can spin in my chair . . . Wee!" 8. "Who wants Justin Bieber tickets?" 7. "Tonight's Oval Office address has been brought to you by Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausages." 6. "Kneel before General Zod!" 5. "Now I'd like to share a poignant story about Frank Sinatra" 4. "Earlier today I met with Vice President, Secretary of State, and Late Show audio technician Tom Herrmann." 3. "CAA sent over lunch. There are steaks and sandwiches in the conference room." 2. "Just back from a pleasure trip — took my mother-in-law to the airport. Hiyo!" 1. "Just like most of America, I'd rather be watching 'Glee'" President Obama is on vacation. This is his sixth vacation. He’ll have plenty of time for vacation when his one term is up. They're vacationing at the beach. He's down there with Snooki, Jwoww, the The Situation. President Obama could not wait to get on vacation. As soon as the plane landed, he grabbed a couple beers and slid down the emergency slide. Mayor Bloomberg may join President Obama's administration. If he does, it will cost about $3 million. They'll have to lower every door knob in the place.President Obama gave a big speech on the economy on Labor Day. He saw his shadow, so we'll have six more weeks of recession.
From Craig Ferguson: The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during 'Spongebob Squarepants.' The Department of Labor has launched a new website to help unemployed Americans. President Obama said the website is amazing and he can't wait to check it out in a few years. The guy that tried to destroy David Letterman was let out of prison today. I was like, 'Really? Jay Leno was in prison?' I just got back from vacation. I went on vacation the same time as President Obama. We both had to get away from it all and not do anything of significance. And now we are back and still not doing anything of significance. President Obama is trying to back the Republicans into a corner by paying for tax cuts for small businesses with tax hikes on big business. It's like that old trick when you take two balls and throw one in the air to distract your opponent and throw the other one right at his chest. That's right, I can explain abstract fiscal policy using analogies about balls. Tomorrow night we will discuss trickle-down economics.I'm not a political expert, but I think going after the rich is a good idea in an election year, or any other year for that matter. Because let's face it, rich people are bastards. Even rich people would agree with that. They're like, 'It's true, now hand me another golden sausage.'So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn't mean they won't get mad about it, it just means they don't know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn't dare interrupt their game of croquet.The new taxes are going to put rich people in a very tough spot. Paris Hilton may have to carry her own cocaine. Trump may have to fire the guy who trims that thing on his head. Warren Buffet may have to move in with his cousin Jimmy Buffet.The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during 'Spongebob Squarepants.'
From Jimmy Kimmel: Rodney King has announced that he will marry one of the jurors from the trial that awarded him millions of dollars from the city of Los Angeles. If Judge Ito doesn't preside over this, there's something wrong with this town. Florida Pastor Terry Jones originally planned to burn the Koran tomorrow, then yesterday he called it off because he believed he made a deal with an Imam to stop the plan to build a Mosque near Ground Zero. The Imam said that wasn’t true, he agreed to no such thing. Then Pastor Jones said he was lied to and the burning was back on. This guy is unbelievable. He’s like the Brett Favre of burning books.Rodney King has announced that he will marry one of the jurors from the trial that awarded him millions of dollars from the city of Los Angeles. If Judge Ito doesn't preside over this, there's something wrong with this town.
*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates! *** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:The Social Poets - news, politicsThe Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychologyVisual Insights - photos, art, musicBeautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophyPoems From A Spiritual Heart - poetryThe Healing Waters - health newsDennys People Watching - people in the newsDennys Food and RecipesDennys Funny Quotes - humor
Funny Videos Featured:Funny Video: Colbert Reveals Master Plan to Ruin Gay MarriageFunny Video: Jon Stewart Comments on Gay Marriage - Californigaytion 
From Jay Leno:I thought this guy (Levi Johnston) was a weasel. Did you hear the latest? He's now offering to sell a tell-all interview about himself, the latest break-up, and inside information about Sarah Palin for $20,000. Looking back, the problem isn't that he refused to wear a condom. The problem is his father didn't wear a condom.A federal judge in California struck down Proposition 8, saying it was unconstitutional. Gay couples can now get married in the state of California. Remember when women used to say the best ones were either gay or married? Now they can be both.People are trying to understand the judge's thinking on this. Well, I think it's pretty clear. After seeing straight couples like Bristol and Levi, Larry King and his wives, Charlie Sheen and his wives, gays couldn't screw it up any worse than that, right? So what the heck, go for it.The Senate has confirmed Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court. She now has a job for life. Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer.This week in 1861, the first federal income tax was instituted to pay for the Civil War. These days, we don't worry about that kind of stuff. Our wars are paid for by our grandchildren.It's been more than 24 hours since the court struck down California's ban on gay marriage, but celebrations in San Francisco have been postponed until Friday. Well, there was a rerun of 'Glee,' so they had to wait. President Obama had dinner with Oprah and her friend Gayle on his birthday. Gayle said it was an honor to have dinner with the leader of the free world and President Obama.In Portland, Oregon, a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand was shut down by the police because she didn't get a $120 business license. On the bright side, by closing her business, she's now eligible for a $108,000 government bailout. According to the National Enquirer, Bristol Palin has called of her engagement with Levi Johnston after finding out that he also got his ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia pregnant. Forget the oil spill, can someone put a cap on this guy.
Happy birthday to President Obama. If you want to get him a present, he's registered at Bed, Bath, and Blame Bush.They got him a huge cake. He didn't blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up and went out on their own.A California judge has overruled California's ban on gay marriage. Finally gay men can marry someone other than Liza Minelli. ... Wedding planners can now plan their own weddings.Just a few weeks after they announced their engagement, Bristol Palin claims that she has officially broken things off with Levi Johnston after he told her he may have gotten another woman pregnant. That's always the deal breaker, isn't it? Apparently they agreed to be abstinent until they were married, Levi just thought it meant with Bristol.How can we pull 130,000 men out of Iraq when we can't even get Levi to pull out of his own girlfriend.The price of coffee has surged to a 12-year high. It's getting so expensive that BP is thinking about spilling some.Billionaire Republican and former eBay CEO Meg Whitman says she has spent more 99 million of her own money to get elected of governor of California. I think she thinks it's like eBay, the office goes to the highest bidder.How can she be governor of California You know, she has not been in one single 'Terminator' movie.Congressman Charlie Rangel and Congresswoman Maxine Waters met this to work out their new number one issue: prison reform.Congressman Rangel has been accused of 13 ethics violations, or as they call it in Washington, fund raising.Raul Castro said that his government will ease controls on small businesses, will lay off unnecessary workers, and will allow more self-employment. Apparently, he sees how bad socialism is working in America, they don't want it o happen there.It was announced that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have broken up. These two have called it quits more times than professional athlete Brett Favre.Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what's left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere.
From David Letterman:The Salahis, White House party crashers, have their own show now. On their show, they have a party and President Obama crashes it.Sarah Palin is criticizing the president's visit to 'The View' as a cheap TV stunt. Then she went camping with Kate Gosselin.President Obama is 49 years old today. He blew out all of his candles and wished for his old job back.The president is 49 years old, but it's never a good sign when your age is higher than your political approval rating.Bristol Palin broke up with Levi Johnston. You know the story, the kids were dating, and I mean really dating, and then it looked like they were going to get married. Then they didn’t get married, and he went off to do other things, like pose naked. And then it looked like they were going to patch things up. Turns out now they're not getting back together. Boy, I didn't see that coming.David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Celebrated His Birthday" 10. Sent troops to invade a Cold Stone Creamery 9. Read details of his surprise party on WikiLeaks 8. Got a new fake birth certificate he wanted 7. Read 'Eat Pray Love' and bawled his eyes out 6. Asked birthday party magician if he could make Sarah Palin disappear 5. Fist-bumped with Snooki and The Situation 4. Went to Pizzeria Uno for their 'Shrimp & Crab Fun-Doo' with the guys from NORAD 3. Flew Air Force One to Party Depot to buy helium balloons 2. Sat alone watching 'Real Housewives' marathon on Bravo 1. Stuffed Tony Hayward full of nickels and beat him like a pinataDid you hear about the big Chelsea Clinton wedding? Chelsea Clinton got married in Rhinebeck, New York. It will be a big year for the community of Rhinebeck. First of all they had the Clinton wedding. They're also hosting the Al Gore divorce.Apparently Bill Clinton - you all remember Bubba - you know he was an emotional guy. He broke down twice at the wedding. Once during the wedding vows he broke down, started to cry. And then later when they ran out of buffalo wings.Experts in the Gulf of Mexico say they are having trouble finding the oil and they think it's under water. They don't call them experts for nothing. It's President Obama's birthday tomorrow. He'll be 49 years old. Yea right, if he had a birth certificate.
From Jimmy Fallon:There's a new iPhone app that lets you call your Facebook friends from your phone. Of course, I only got on Facebook so I wouldn't have to call these people. You know those controversial TSA full-body scanners? Well, they're coming to airports here in New York next month. Great. Normally I take a Xanax before I fly, now I have to take a Viagra.A judge in California overturned the state's gay marriage ban yesterday. Don't get too excited, though — he doesn't plan on telling his parents until Thanksgiving. The White House is planning a small belated birthday party for President Obama on Sunday, when Michelle and Sasha are back from Spain. It'll be a small intimate gathering. You know, just friends, family, the White House gate-crashing Salahis...Today was President Obama's birthday. All the Democrats were like 'How old are you now,' while the Republicans were like 'And where were you born?'President Obama announced his plan to remove all combat troops from Iraq by the end of August. So thank you to all the men and women serving in Iraq and 'Good luck in Afghanistan!'
From Craig Ferguson:It's a big week for gays. There's the gay conservatives thing happening, Prop 8 was overturned, and the movie 'Step Up 3-D' is coming out.A federal judge struck down California's gay marriage ban. In West Hollywood, gay men were dancing in the streets with rainbow flags and playing techno music, and then they heard about the ruling and they went crazy.
From Jimmy Kimmel:Yesterday was President Obama's birthday. He turned 49 years old, if you believe the liberal media.The president had dinner with Oprah in Chicago. Even Justin Bieber doesn't get to do that.A federal judge overturned Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage in California, which came as great news for both gays and wedding planners. Although that might be redundant.Opponents of gay marriage will now appeal to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco - good luck there. You’d have better luck with a show of hands at a Lady Gaga concert.Happy birthday to President Obama. Republicans tried to block his birthday but they didn't have enough votes, so it went through and the President was able to turn 49 today right on schedule.
BP says they've been able to seal the leak in the Gulf of Mexico. They were popping champagne to celebrate, but then they had trouble controlling the flow of the champagne and destroyed their entire office.Wyclef Jean has announced that he will run for president of Haiti. He said he hopes the Haitian people will look past the fact that he has very little political experience and forgive him for that horrible remake of 'We Are the World.'Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have apparently broken up again, less than a month after announcing their engagement. Bristol called it off faster than you can say, 'Mom, put the gun down.'I think with the right amount of love, patience, and a 12-episode guarantee from a reality show on VH1, those two can end up engaged again one day.Sarah Palin today said she has mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, she was never a big fan of Levi in the first place, but on the other hand, she had already shot the polar bear to make her daughter’s wedding dress.*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates! *** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:The Social Poets - news, politicsThe Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychologyVisual Insights - photos, art, musicBeautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophyPoems From A Spiritual Heart - poetryThe Healing Waters - health newsDennys People Watching - people in the newsDennys Food and RecipesDennys Funny Quotes - humor
Getting ready for Gordon Brown's Walk of Shame British equivalent to the American Perp Walk...From Denny: My husband just came around the corner and yelled, "Hey! Hold it down in there. You are laughing too loud!" Then he had to watch the same video clips so he would not miss out on all the fun. What a way to end the day, watching these funny men.Check out the funny videos from this week:Funny Video: Jon Stewart Sees BP Fixing Oil Spill with Stupid AnagramsFunny Video: Colbert mocks Glenn Beck for Comparing Himself to God and MLKAnd the absolute best video that had me laughing so hard my sides hurt:Funny Video: Outgoing British Leaders Walk of Shame After ElectionFrom Jay Leno:A family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder, has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. Apparently Souder would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling.Lakers Coach Phil Jackson is coming under fire for some comments he made in support of Arizona's immigration law. He's a basketball coach. He can take a tough stand on immigration. Try doing that with a baseball team. There wouldn't be anybody left.There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they're both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people.The U.S. Navy announced this week they are now using sea lions to fight terrorism. They did a drill this week where they hid a bomb underwater. A trained sea lion found the bomb in less than a minute. The bad news? He then balanced the bomb on his nose, threw it back at the trainer.In Supreme Court news, the Elena Kagan confirmation hearings will begin around June 28. I guess they have to wait until softball season's over.And in Connecticut, Attorney General Dick Blumenthal's campaign is now saying there are only four times that Blumenthal said he served in Vietnam when he really didn't. That's what politics has come down to now, when your campaign slogan is, 'I only lied four times.'Blumenthal said he is not apologizing for misleading people about his war record. He said all he did was use the word 'in' instead of the word 'during.' He insists he just 'misspoke.' You know, like using the word 'misspoke' instead of the word 'lying.'The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was handed out today, given to Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam War memoir.Well, that's the big story in Connecticut. Their attorney general, Richard Blumenthal, who was considered a shoo-in for his race for the U.S. Senate, is now under fire for claiming that he served in Vietnam when he really didn't. Turns out he has no war record at all. In fact, only combat experience? Shooting himself in the foot.Well, the truth is he got five deferments, like Dick Cheney. Then he used connections to get into a special reserve unit, like George Bush. And he would have been fine, if he hadn't lied like John Edwards.Some good news today for Blumenthal. Because of all the trouble he's in for lying, he was offered a job as spokesman for British Petroleum.I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil from the spill. And they've had a lot of experience in this area, by the way. This is the same tube they've been using to suck the money out of our wallets for the past 50 years.Thousands of bees swarmed the White House on Sunday morning. And President Obama doesn't miss a trick. He is smart. Because all these bees were worker bees, he's now counted them as 10,000 new jobs he's created.And in welcoming Mexico's president, Felipe Calderon, to the White House today, President Obama told him, 'We are not defined by our borders.' The president of Mexico said, 'What borders?'Actually, one embarrassing moment with the Mexican president happened when Obama said, 'Let us all stand together,' and the governor of Arizona said: 'There he is. Grab him!'John McCain of Arizona is facing a tough re-election campaign. The key issue is illegal immigration. I don't want to say McCain is old, but in his first election, the illegal immigrants were white people, O.K.Sarah Palin and President Bush have new books coming out this fall. You know what that means? This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage.Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.British Petroleum is starting to get a little defensive. Have you heard their new slogan? 'Yeah, like you never spilled anything before.'For the first time ever, an Arab-American woman has been named Miss U.S.A. Her name is Rima Fakih from Dearborn, Mich. She says she hopes winning this title will finally help get her name off the no-fly list.Detroit Mayor Dave Bing has begun to make the city more livable by demolishing 10,000 vacant homes. This will break the record for destroying homes, currently held by Countrywide Mortgage.The Lakers trounced the Phoenix Suns last night, 128-107. Phoenix was so bad, today the Arizona Legislature voted to deport them.Attorney General Eric Holder has said he may sue Arizona for their new anti-immigration law. Holder admitted he has not yet read the law. Hey, that didn't stop Congress from passing the health care reform bill. Nobody read that, either.Well, folks, it's happened again. My favorite kind of story. An Indiana Republican congressman named Mark Souder — a married man and father of three, big-time — one of these family advocate guys, has resigned after admitting to having an affair with a female staffer. In his resignation statement, he mentions God five times and his wife once. He knows there's a slight chance that God might forgive him. God might let it slide. Not the wife.Well, here's the latest on the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. The chief U.S. oversight official for offshore drilling has now resigned. Ironically — you know how the news got out? It leaked.Well, there's now concern that the oil in the Gulf could go to the Florida Keys and up the East Coast, which could be really dangerous. Scientists say the cast of 'The Jersey Shore' can only absorb so much oil. They can't get any slimier.The government now wants to train parking lot attendants to watch for terrorists. They believe parking lot attendants can be trained to report anyone who comes in with a car that's suspicious. The parking lot attendant would turn them in, unless the terrorist was a good tipper. Then, of course, nothing would happen at all, and we'd all be screwed.From David Letterman:Everybody has a different solution for the Gulf oil spill. Why don't they just try jiggling the handle? I went to lunch and had crab cakes. The waiter came over and asked if I wanted leaded or unleaded. The tartar sauce was 80 percent tar.Down there at the White House, they had a state dinner for Mexican President Felipe Calderón. Every door at the White House was guarded by a New York City T-shirt vendor.You know that Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber? Well, he appeared in court yesterday. Here's what he is charged with — domestic terrorism and illegal parking on Broadway.You know, he bungled the gig. So the Taliban got wind of this and they said, 'That's it.' So they downgraded the guy. And he doesn't get 72 virgins. Here's what he gets: 72 vegans.David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House State Dinner" 10. 'May we see your papers, President Calderon?' 9. 'What happened to the dumb guy who used to live here?' 8. 'May we see your papers, President Obama?' 7. 'The pinata is filled with worthless Euros' 6. 'Three whiskey sours and Chuck Schumer takes off his pants' 5. 'Sir, the Republicans are attempting to block the appetizers' 4. 'Lincoln's ghost! Run!' 3. 'Salahi? No, you're not on the list, but how about a lovely bottle of wine' 2. 'Hurry, it's Close-Up Magic Week on the 'Late Show'' 1. 'Yes, Mr. Vice President, it is a big F**king deal'Another show canceled right here at CBS, 'The Ghost Whisperer.' Every week, the ghost whisperer would run errands for dead people. This week, you tune in, she's trying to find a job for Arlen Specter.Did you hear about this? An Indiana congressman, Mark Souder, was forced to resign because of a sex scandal. Oh, buddy. Here's the score now — Republicans 22, Democrats 17. It's getting closer.Eliot Spitzer may get his own show on CNN. It would be quite a switch for somebody else to be paying him for an hour.You know Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber, he appeared in court yesterday, his first court appearance here in New York. He was escorted into court by two federal T-shirt vendors.Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.And tar is washing up onto the beaches — big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.How about that volcano in Iceland. It's still erupting, but it's no longer the biggest environmental disaster. Now, Iceland is teaming up with BP. to create this summer's top catastrophe. A Lorimar production.A congressman from my home state of Indiana, Mark Souder, has been forced to resign because he was in a sex scandal. Finally, I'm no longer Indiana's biggest embarrassment.You know what happened down in Washington? I guess it was yesterday. There was a swarm of bees down there at the White House. The bees flew in and demanded to see Obama's birth certificate.Did you see the new Miss U.S.A. pageant over the weekend. Miss Michigan won. Congratulations to Miss Michigan. And, well, it gets better. John McCain has already selected her as his 2012 running mate.Have you folks heard about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Here's what they're doing now. They got a one-mile-long suction hose. It was flown down to the gulf on Friday by Superman.And what they're going to do is they're going to suck all of that oil that's leaking into the gulf and pump it up into a tanker. Now the bad news is the tanker is the Exxon Valdez.Sadly, Miss Arizona could not be there. She was being detained by the authorities.Arizona may lose its hockey team. Apparently, here's what happened. Authorities became suspicious that some of the players were Canadian.From Bill Maher:How to describe Rand Paul? I mean, he's a doctor. It's as if Sarah Palin somehow made it through medical school. - on Kentucky Senate candidate and Tea Party hero Rand PaulHe's an ophthalmologist, he does a lot of lasik surgery, and he has a lot of interesting points of view. Like he thinks Obama, because he went to Copenhagen where they were talking about global warming, is apologizing for the industrial revolution. He's against the Americans With Disabilities Act. He says restaurants should be able to refuse service to black people. And today, he said Obama was un-American for getting on BP's case for the oil spill. I tell you, the sh*t doesn't fall far from the bat.Every time this guy opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that the liberal media stop quoting him in context.I guess he's trying to get the press to get off the racism thing, so his big thing today was that the oil spill in the Gulf was the blame game. He said, 'Sometimes accidents happen.' Which is not really what you want to hear from the guy who's doing your lasik surgery.Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.Sunday, listen to this, they’re going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid.From Jimmy Kimmel:The BP oil spill turned a month old today. Unfortunately, it has not been potty trained yet.In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken.From Jimmy Fallon:Last night, at the big White House state dinner, Capricia Marshall, the U.S. chief of protocol, slipped on the White House steps right next to the Obamas. It was such a nasty spill that BP showed up and tried to put a top hat on her.During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago.The Coast Guard is now saying that 20 of these things called tar balls have been found off the Florida Keys. They're not sure if the tar balls are from the Gulf Coast spill. Seriously? It's like finding a giant clock necklace and not being sure it's from Flavor Flav.Have you heard about this guy, Richard Blumenthal? He's a Democratic candidate for Senate in Connecticut. It turns out he actually lied about serving in Vietnam. Not good. In fact, today, he says he hasn't got this much attention since he became the first man to walk on the moon.Blumenthal lied about serving in Vietnam in several speeches, which I guess explains why his descriptions of the war sounded like Wikipedia entries.After admitting to an affair with a staffer, Indiana Congressman Mark Souder said he's leaving office to focus on repairing his marriage and renewing his walk with the Lord. And today, the Lord was like: 'Why don't you start without me? Why don't you just go. I'll catch up with you on that walk.'Iraq security forces say they have detained an al Qaeda member suspected of planning an attack on the World Cup in South Africa next month. The man has already admitted that terror and destruction was his ultimate gooooaaalllll!Well, at a rally in Arizona this weekend, Sarah Palin said, 'We're all Arizonans now' — at which point, every immigrant in Arizona was like, 'So, we can stay?'In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat.A woman in Texas was arrested for shooting at a census worker who wouldn’t leave her property. The census worker was pretty committed to her job, though. Even as she was being fired at, she was like, 'Is that your only firearm? Do you share it with a loved one, a spouse, or a common-law partner?'*** Have a great work week! This should keep you laughing - at least until Cheeky Quote Day on Wednesday! :)*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
