Comic Jon Stewart wasted no time in analyzing the Burn a Koran Day incident that had the entire world in an uproar from every religious corner.
From Denny: Comic Jon Stewart was not at a loss of words for the ridiculous insulting stunt from Florida "pastor" Terry Jones. Jones organized the now infamous "International Burn the Koran Day" as the ninth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks approached. Of course, it backfired on him.
Stewart royally mocked Jones and his planned torching party. His comedy sidekick, Brit John Oliver had a few choice words of denunciation calling Jones a "radical, hate-spewing extremist."
"This man is f***ing crazy," Oliver said. "He doesn't represent Christianity any more than "Dr. Laura represents the United Negro College Fund."
Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 14 Sept 2010 - Catch up on the latest comedic musings and amusements from Colbert, Stewart and late night show jokes, funny video clips and newest cartoons before they post for the week at other sites.
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Letterman and Olbermann suggest unlikely crazy Republican possibilities for the 2012 Presidential season.From Denny: Two Democrats, David Letterman, a comedian, Keith Olbermann, a cable news caster with an acerbic edge to his commentary, kick around the funny possible Republican contenders for the 2012 Presidential election. Oh, and Beck and Olbermann are bitter enemies and his take on Beck is always amusing.*** Return to main post for more funny videos:Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 14 Sept 2010 - Catch up on the latest comedic musings and amusements from Colbert, Stewart and late night show jokes, funny video clips and newest cartoons before they post for the week at other sites.*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates! *** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:The Social Poets - news, politicsThe Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychologyVisual Insights - photos, art, musicBeautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophyPoems From A Spiritual Heart - poetryThe Healing Waters - health newsDennys People Watching - people in the newsDennys Food and RecipesDennys Funny Quotes - humor
*** Stewart mocks the usual GOP hypocrisy claiming the Bush Tax Cuts lower the deficit when actually they increase the deficit.
From Denny: Oh, the tangled web the Republicans weave. They keep pushing those renewed Bush tax cuts - all of it. Well, frankly, there are a few things in the tax cuts that were thrown in to appease the middle class like a $1,000 child tax credit and the like. When the Bush tax cuts expire that same child tax credit will drop down to $500 per child unless Congress does something about it.
There are other taxes that will skyrocket like capital gains and death taxes unless Congress does something about it to safeguard what's left of middle class wealth. Clearly, the top one percent of the country does not need such great tax cuts anyway. They aren't in home foreclosure to the growing tune of 20 million, or out of a job for two or more years to the tune of five million, with another 15 million out of work or trying to survive by living in their cars, paying rent in a church parking lot, out wandering the street - like in the tunnels under Las Vegas or in a tent city.
There are too many middle-aged baby boomers who have literally lost everything that they worked for and saved. They won't live long enough to completely rebuild their lifestyles to previous levels nor will they now be able to consider retirement. Congress did a number on working Americans by refusing to safeguard pension plans from corporate raiders the past 25 years since the Republicans took over Congress, squeezing every last dime out of taxpayers.
The huge shame of the Republicans has been their well touted Bush Tax Cuts that have sent middle class wealth to the richest Americans who still are so greedy they want more. The Republicans complain about the deficit yet it is their very Bush Tax Cuts Plan that has added 30 percent to the deficit in the first place - $300 billion. Want to reduce our deficit? Then let the Bush Tax Cuts expire.
America needs a vastly different tax plan anyway. As it stands no politician is willing to rein in Big Business nor force them to pay up. Well, at least the government has begun to chase down the tax cheats hiding their money in Swiss banks. That's a great start. Meanwhile, back at home, we need to take away tax incentives to Big Businesses that send American jobs overseas or import foreign workers to take American jobs.
Jon Stewart called out the Republicans on their stupid plan and constant political drumbeat to convince weak-minded Americans of their usual lies. Better yet, he showed clip after funny clip of contradictory statements by the Republicans about the deficit and taxes. Amazed at how two opposing ideas can exist on the same party platform, Stewart: "How exactly can you be for deficit reduction and extending tax cuts?" and then aired a clip where Sarah Palin argues for both in the same sentence.
Yet another bizarre confusing argument from LaLa Political Land is where the conservatives claim "The money the government earns in taxes isn't the same as the money they spend, so the tax cuts will not affect the deficit." These guys have been in Washington far too long for their own good. Throw the bums out. Of course, Stewart replies with a Goodfellas funny clip of the "F you - pay me" scenario. Because, as Stewart says, "The deficit doesn't care where the money comes from."
Yeah, and it's about time the wealthiest in America pay their fair share, the government collects from them what they owe, and the richest invest back into America with 22 million jobs to rev up the economic engine.
Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 16 Aug 2010 - Check out this week's funny late night jokes and latest cartoons lampooning politics to American culture, with a funny side dish of funny video clips thrown in to keep you grinning.
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*** Check out Colbert as he mocks the amoral Gingrich trying to make a political comeback for President.
From Denny: We all know that stinkin' thinkin' Newtie Gingrich is trying to run for President in 2012 - so he got a head start this year. That's why he keeps trying to grab headlines with ridiculous and outrageous - also contradictory - statements.
Like it wasn't enough to be rid of this guy when he had to resign in disgrace as a former House Speaker. He was so mad he could not dislodge first Bill Clinton and then Al Gore from the White House. Back then Newtie announced his plans of how to assume the presidency as Speaker of the House and avoid getting elected: impeach the President and Vice President. The funny thing is that after he succeeded in dragging the country through the mud to impeach Clinton, well, Clinton refused to leave the White House and it was Newtie who had to go.
Newtie is back to provide comic relief to all the late night comics and bloggers like me who enjoy holding him up as such a great example of moral leadership. OK, we really like to mock the old hypocrite. Hey, everyone needs a sport, right?! :)
So, this week Colbert chimed in with his thoughts about Newtie's moral compass problems. The story in Esquire Magazine from Newtie's last wife provided some interesting back story to entertain America about a possible Presidential candidate who never could pass The Smell Test.
Gingrich is well known for his relationship failings and running stupid after wife after wife, even before he has divorced the previous one. The guy is seriously insecure, obnoxious and cruel. Like Colbert said, "Newt Gingrich is so pro-marriage, he can't stop doing it."
Newtie defends his roaming hypocrisy and moral failings, "There's no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn't matter what I live," which Colbert interpreted as "Do as I say, Not who I do."
Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 16 Aug 2010 - Check out this week's funny late night jokes and latest cartoons lampooning politics to American culture, with a funny side dish of funny video clips thrown in to keep you grinning.
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*** Check out Colbert's reaction to BP finally - OK, temporarily - plugging the Gulf oil leak. The best news yet is the slow motion firing of BP CEO Tony Hayward.
From Denny: Colbert came back from his vacation to find that BP had finally plugged the damn hold out on the ocean floor of the Gulf of Mexico. It's a temporary fix and actually has the potential to blow at any moment but hey! we will call it a "temporary win" for now.
Colbert gushed about how happy he was to hear of the successful capping of the BP oil spill. He gushed even more than the 200 million gallons of oil presently in the Gulf when he discovered the firing of BP CEO Tony Hayward, the most hated man in America - OK, the world.
Supposedly, Hayward resigned immediately. To those of us on the Gulf coast we prefer to think of his firing as the "much too long goodbye" and the "slow motion firing." The guy doesn't actually leave until October and they announced his leaving in July. Hey, BP, make sure Tony doesn't steal any of the silverware on his way out, hoping to hock it in Russia, his next lying gig. He ought to fit right in with the ruthless Russians. Hayward thinks he's big and bad. Wait until he spends some time in Russia. They will teach him all about big and bad. Hayward's an amateur in need of being taken to the woodshed.
Anyway, Colbert decided to mock the hell out of Hayward's so-called resignation, describing it as a "long, complicated process that is going to take some time." Colbert unveiled his new BP live Tony Hayward cam where we get to view what people really want to see: a robotic arm handing him his "You're fired" pink slip and watch Hayward get pelted with golf balls and garbage all in the name of how BP tries to get rid of Hayward in style.
Colbert comments about how Hazmat workers have been cleaning up tarballs on the Gulf coast beaches. "Now," he says, "our hearts go out to the Hazmat workers, who will soon be on the beaches cleaning up balls of Hayward." Colbert sends the workers his best wishes.
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*** Check out Jon Stewart as he rips to shreds, in fine mocking style, the not so stealthy WikiLeaks leaker.
From Denny: The bland lack of reaction from most of the media about this WikiLeaks documents dump about the Afghan War is stunning in their nonchalant mediocrity. Of course, most of the bored commentators are Republicans who know most of these documents harken back to the Bush years and are trying to downplay the documents, fearful of what those docs may eventually reveal for which they know their political party is responsible.
As usual, too many in America's media are clueless as to the true crass meaning of how those docs are causing hundreds, maybe thousands, of people to be killed because they cooperated with American and allied soldiers. Don't even get me started on America's enemies pouring over the docs to read our military and intelligence communities. WikiLeaks handed them a gift. The idiot Australian who owns WikiLeaks put his own countrymen at risk, as they are our allies. If the Pentagon has an ounce of smarts they will change all their systems and processes immediately because of this fiasco.
Meanwhile, Jon Stewart is one of the few in the media who does understand the enormity of the situation and decided to weigh in on the scandal. "As any sane person would think that a security breach of this magnitude must have been carried about by highly efficient, almost ninja-like informants who used stealth tactics to obtain the information and leak it to WikiLeaks."
Stewart reveals there was no ninja-like guy behind the doc leaks. Bradley Manning went by the really secretive online screen name of "BradAss87." He claimed to be an Army intelligence analyst operating in Baghdad. Excuse me, but just how difficult would it be to locate a guy named Brad who was born in 1987 and was an Army intel guy in Baghdad? Not difficult at all it turns out.
Of course, WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, claims he had no idea who BradAss87 truly was because his site supposedly hides the identity of their sources so well even WikiLeaks doesn't know who it is. Uh, yeah, and you expect us to believe that one? Assange claims his site is so stealthy because he is running one step ahead of the world's intelligence agencies. Oh, please. Would someone please research this creep and find out if he was an intelligence community reject who couldn't pass the psyche exam?
You want to know how BradAss87 accomplished his doc dump so easily? He claims he would bring in music to listen to while he analyzed intelligence data. Let me stop you right there. That's the first thing wrong with this guy - what an idiot. No wonder so much intelligence is poorly analyzed - because they don't have their full focus upon it. Guys like this are too busy lip syncing to their favorite music instead of employing reading comprehension to the task at hand.
Then this total Bozo Sapien Brad Ass says he erased his Lady Gaga CDs and proceeded to download the docs on them, then walked out the door. OK, here's the obvious question, "Where the hell were the security checks and balances here?" Never allow anyone to walk in or out with any kind of technology that could be employed in compromising security. What was the Army thinking? Or is that just it? They weren't thinking. The whole line of command should be thrown in the brig for that idiot fiasco. And I want to hear the real explanations for why they were asleep on the job - not the pablum fed to the American media who gobble it up without question.
At least Jon Stewart had the sense of humor to ask, "How does a soldier sit around lip syncing to Lady Gaga all day, and not run afoul of 'don't ask don't tell'? That has GOT to be a substitute for telling, no?"
Of course, most of what the WikiLeaks docs revealed were nothing new to those who already know long drawn out wars are just plain stupid as well as unproductive. Let's not even get started on the recent GAO report about how 95 percent of the money appropriated for the war cannot be accounted for at all.
The other supposedly new revelation is that Pakistan has its bribed traitors in their intelligence community who sell out their own country by sending American foreign aid money to the Taliban in Afghanistan to kill Americans. Why is this such a surprise? Where there is big money there is big corruption.
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*** Colbert warns the animals of what he can do to them to defend himself against their crafty ways.
The Environment - Awww, Animals!
From Denny: Colbert reminds animals of what humans can do to protect ourselves from them. After all, animals are smarter than us and can overpower us if we don't do our homework. Their greatest craftiness is their adorableness. "Don't think you can out-adorable us, animals. Remember: we can coat you in oil, get you hooked on meth or taser you whenever we want."
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*** Colbert at his sarcasm best when it comes to toilet paper and animals in our environment.
On Topic: The Environment - Run!!! Animals!!!
From Denny: Colbert alerts us to how many animals are out "to get us humans." Bears are out to get us, well, you already knew that. Colbert all the animals who are putting our lives - and honey -in danger.
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*** Only Colbert can recap the Bulf oil spill and BP CEO Tony Hayward experience and declare that Hayward is America's favorite villain. Colbert demonstrates to us how to beat the crap out of BP.
From Denny: Here's to you, my fellow Louisianians and neighbors on the Gulf Coast. Colbert tells us how to beat the crap out of BP CEO Tony Hayward. Then he moves on to renaming the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America "coz we broke it, now we own it." Colbert launched his new Gulf of America Fund to help clean up the Louisiana coast just in time for its next heartbreaking disaster. After all, because of the dispersant it's now raining oil from the sky many miles inland. Yeah, there's the best plan from BP.
Oh, and this just in from my husband after he saw this video: New Orleans should start marketing Tony Hayward voodoo dolls so people can enjoy pushing pins into them to take out their frustrations. Hey, if it makes money, New Orleans will jump on it! Failing that there is always a can of that famous Cajun Whoop Ass we can open and use liberally...
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*** Check out comedian Jimmy Kimmel's comments on how Sarah Palin needs a geography lesson.Too hot in Las Vegas for a Tea Party conventionFrom Denny: Kimmel has a field day with the usual Palin gaffes that her supporters seem to find so endearing while the rest of us find them confusing. Glad someone knows the code as to what she is really saying.Kimmel says Palin just plain ignores the dictionary so he decided to mock her for repeated geography gaffes. She didn't even know that Hawaii is America's largest island. Wonder if she knows it's a state...?So, Kimmel says he envisions Palin - with her mastery of maps - getting together with the crew from "Schoolhouse Rock" for a geography sing along. *** Return to main post for more funny links:Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 26 July 2010*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
*** Check out the latest from the nation's cartoonists: BP oil spill, those lame, funny Russian spies living in American neighborhoods just outted by the amused FBI.From Denny: BP continues to play games with the public perception of what's going on in the Gulf and keeps a stranglehold on this area's 300,000 now jobless who are idle and slipping into despair and bankruptcy. BP is still cavalier deciding just how little money they are going to reimburse small business owners for their losses. They dole it out in small amounts, stringing along the desperate people. Or worse, they often declare people's claims not to be legitimate for it is BP that decides that threshold not the Claims Fund Manager Ken Feinberg. People on the coastal areas have to jump through too many hoops to make a legitimate claim only to have it denied. For BP it's just a waiting game of playing out their philosophy of The Minimum Acceptable.This mismanagement is beginning to become a hallmark of President Obama's administration. The federal government continues to fumble the football when the needs of the people are at stake. The political arm of the White House continues to send Obama out to make meaningless immigration speeches, hoping the Hispanic voters don't abandon them when you know they already have done so. The political arm of the White House continues to send Obama out to do The Big Show of pushing peace in the Middle East again. This is what every administration does when their backs are up against the wall economically at home: Try to look good internationally. It's true Israel's obnoxious leader, Ol' Nettie as I call him, needed to have his odious arms twisted for his rude attitude toward, well, everyone that exists in the world, most notably Americans. There is nothing like dangling that big fat check for foreign aid in front of any rebellious leader to bring him back down to earth into reality. So, bully for Obama for gaining top dog status for the moment. Keep both eyes in the back of your head on Ol' Nettie because that story isn't finished by a long shot.Back to the obvious... Mr. President, it's time to move the political arm out of the White House because they keep getting in the way of your ability to govern well. Your falling popularity numbers should be an indication that the political advisers have long ago lost touch with the people. You are still wasting valuable time by not focusing ALL your energies on creating jobs. A lot of world problems will clear up if you focus upon getting America's economy back up on its feet. Right now the economy is still fragile. Forget all the Wall Street numbers; they are a sham and always have been. How do you gauge what is going on outside your protected Washington Beltway bubble? Check on new car sales. They are down by at least 13 percent from last year. Doesn't sound so bad. Yeah? Last year's sales were down by 45 percent. See where I'm going here? Your advisers are wrong that people are not that desperate.Bankruptcies are up across America. That means people have been struggling for the past year or more and finally threw in the towel financially. Eighteen months ago the economy was just beginning to fail. The economy is in far worse shape today than it was at the beginning of the slow down. Well, guess what, here's the real stunner of a statistic: THE ECONOMY IS YOUR PEOPLE! Employed people run the economy; they increase it - or decrease it when out of work. Get serious and get faster about government sponsored and actual government business start-ups to employ people if only temporarily like you did with census workers. A pack of temporary jobs is better than no jobs. It's a start. You are going to have to get serious about establishing geographic work zones around the country where people are within 12 hours drive time to go for a job interview. People all across America are defaulting on their loans for cars, small and large businesses and their homes. Add up the dreary statistics for the past three years and you will finally see how desperate the America people are who are also the largest bulk of the population: the middle class. One announcement last week of stimulus money throw at a couple of solar energy companies to hire about 1,500 people is a start. You, Mr. President, should be making those kind of announcements four times a week, every week, for the next eight months! Anything less and this economy will either fall off the cliff, go into a sudden sinkhole or falter weakly for the next 20 years. None of those scenarios are positive spin politically. So, if you don't want to go down in history as a reviled President then, please, get going on placing ALL your focus on this economy and creating jobs for the middle class. Do it today; do it every day until it's obvious that everyone has a job again. The increasing desperation of the American people, not your public perception and poll numbers, should be your number one priority every day of your presidency. BP Oil Spill cartoons:Russian Spies cartoons:*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates! *** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:The Social PoetsDennys Global PoliticsThe Soul CalendarVisual InsightsBeautiful Illustrated QuotationsPoems From A Spiritual HeartThe Healing WatersDennys Art SanctuaryRomancing The ChocolateComfort Food From LouisianaUnusual 2 TastyDennys Blog FeedsDennys Funny QuotesOuch Outrageous Obnoxious And Odd
*** Feeling stressed or bored? Check out some funny political cartoons, funny Colbert videos and a roundup of funny jokes from the late night comics this week.From Denny: And we are sending in the air troops to spy on BP in the Gulf to report back to the President about their latest weasel lies of what they claim to be doing and aren't. Lady Karma can be a real bitch for multi-national company CEOs like BP's Tony Hayward. Guess he will have to forego his lucrative bonus this quarter. The word is from Huffington Post that BP is losing billions of dollars every week. Awwww... everyone raise their hand who feels sorry for little Tony who "wants his life back." Uh, yeah, and so do several thousand other people on the Gulf Coast from Louisiana to Mississippi to Alabama to Florida. And the rest of the nation is also thrilled Hayward is so sensitive to the environment, the once pristine beaches, the great vacation spots formerly known as beautiful and clean. The continued insensitivity of Hayward is astounding. Today he tried to say it was not his toxic banned-in-the-UK-for-10-years dispersant that caused sudden onset of serious respiratory illnesses in thousands of clean up workers. He blamed it on food poisoning. This guy is one cold hearted rat bastard.The reality is from the oil industry is that oil relief wells generally take 10 months to complete. And that's without facing down a predicted violent hurricane season in the Gulf. There are seven hurricanes predicted to be a category three or greater - like the one that hit and drowned New Orleans.The other ugly reality is that as this well continues to gush oil there is only so much space in the Gulf before the currents begin taking it up the Eastern seaboard and destroy oyster beds and fishing on the Atlantic Coast. That same current goes over to Britain and the European coast. If this thing goes on long enough we could have one very sick and dying ocean.Again, Mr. President, why are the Super Tankers not out in the Gulf sucking up the oil as it gushes out of the ocean floor? There is no reason for clean up on a smaller scale as you have been doing. Get BP a minder, like Shell Oil, to instruct and watch over their shoulders as they work - and make BP pay for it. BP has hundreds of safety violations compared to a handful for other oil companies. Clearly, they are reckless cowboys.While it's great you have moved to criminal prosecution this will not quell the anger on the Gulf Coast. What we want is a huge clean up operation far beyond what is going on right now. Get serious about freezing at least $15 billion of BP's assets before they decide to move their monies or go into bankruptcy. Do not delay or poke your head into the sand. If you ignore the obvious then Lady Karma will only kick you in your assets and the American public will hang you out to dry.Fortunately, during this wait-and-see-what-the-business-and-political-idiots-will-try-next-time, there is good ol' Colbert and his wonderful mock 'em all sense of humor. Check out his funny video clips and what the late night comics have to say about the state of America and the world. We all know you will remember this better than any facts in a history book. Funny videos from Colbert:Funny Video: Colbert Gives Domino Pizza Alpha Dog AwardFunny Video: Colbert Mocks Surburban Backyard Clothesline TerroristFunny Video: Colberts ThreatDown of Food Police, Jazz Robots, Pretty GirlsFrom Jay Leno:Well, folks, here's the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the 'top kill' plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels.British Petroleum is still trying to minimize the PR damage. You know what they said today? They said all the oil that spilled this month is on the house. No charge.Obama looked pretty mad, if you watched his press conference today. President Obama said the head the Federal agency in charge of regulating the oil company is no longer there, but he didn't know if she resigned or if she was fired. Didn't know if she resigned or was fired. I got a better idea. How about arrested? Let's try that."Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay LenoAnd now, here's something that's going to get a lot of people upset. It turns out according to a report by the Interior Department Inspector General, employees of the Federal agency that inspects these offshore oil rigs accepted gifts from the oil companies. And you know who arranged the payoffs? Fergie.According to a White House report, President Obama becoming more and more frustrated by this whole oil leak thing. He lost his temper today. He reportedly yelled at people, 'Plug the damn hole!' That's the same thing he says whenever Joe Biden starts talking.President Obama announced yesterday he plans to send 1,200 troops to the U.S.-Mexican border. You know who we should hire to protect our border? It's so simple. Mexicans. They want jobs, they're there already.
Hey, today is National Tap Dancing Day. Yes, this is the day we honor BP executives trying to explain the gulf oil disaster.One of the big gambling Web sites published odds on what species would be the first to become extinct from the oil spill. Unbelievable. You know the odds-on favorite? Democrat.Sarah Palin has now weighed in on the gulf oil spill. Finally, the voice of reason. She said that President Obama should grasp the complexity of the situation. Sarah Palin giving advice on complexity. What, was Snooki from 'Jersey Shore' unavailable?Oh man, and the stock market. Another bad day. The market is so bad, BP had to lay off 15 senators.In Idaho, Republican Congressional candidate Vaughn Ward is in trouble after he was caught plagiarizing a famous speech by Barack Obama. When they asked this guy if he thought he could get away with this, you know what he said? 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!'And over the weekend, at the Shanghai World Expo, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The kids politely accepted the bears even though, you know, they made them.Well, folks, it seems that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, much worse than British Petroleum first reported. You know how bad it is? Yesterday, I checked the oil in my car, had seawater on it.And because of the ocean currents, experts say oil from the Gulf could easily spread up the East Coast all the way to the Carolinas. In fact, today, people in North Carolina said they hadn't seen anything this slick and slimy since the John Edwards campaign.And last week, Mexican President Felipe Calderóne spoke at the White House. He called for a ban on assault weapons, and he also wanted to know why do we keep calling Taco Bell Mexican food?Calderóne also lashed out against Arizona's new immigration law. To give you an idea of how serious he is, he is calling for Mexicans to boycott sneaking into this country until that law is repealed.At the White House, speaking last week, a rodent ran in front of President Obama as he stood at the podium. In fact, the rat was picked up on the microphone going, 'How do I get off this sinking ship?'Another bad day for the stock market. The stock market is bad. It's so bad, for a lot of brokers now, there's a half-hour waiting line to get on the ledge.Oh, and scientists in Maryland say they have created the first ever synthetic cell. They say their goal is to create a life form that can withstand lead products from China, volcanic ash from Iceland and contaminated water from the Gulf of Mexico.And a Montana man has admitted that he killed a bald eagle, but his alibi is he thought it was a porcupine. How blind do you have to be to mistake a bald eagle for a porcupine? Anyway, the guy pleaded guilty so he could get back to his regular job inspecting oil rigs.BP is saying that the oil leak is bigger than they estimated. In a related story, the executives at BP are far bigger idiots than we estimated.A very embarrassing moment for Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who was running for the Senate. He's the guy who lied about his war record. He was overheard telling his wife, 'After the campaign, let's take a vacation and go somewhere I've never been.' She said, 'How about Vietnam?'A family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder, has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. Apparently Souder would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling.Lakers Coach Phil Jackson is coming under fire for some comments he made in support of Arizona's immigration law. He's a basketball coach. He can take a tough stand on immigration. Try doing that with a baseball team. There wouldn't be anybody left.There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they're both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people.The U.S. Navy announced this week they are now using sea lions to fight terrorism. They did a drill this week where they hid a bomb underwater. A trained sea lion found the bomb in less than a minute. The bad news? He then balanced the bomb on his nose, threw it back at the trainer.In Supreme Court news, the Elena Kagan confirmation hearings will begin around June 28. I guess they have to wait until softball season's over.And in Connecticut, Attorney General Dick Blumenthal's campaign is now saying there are only four times that Blumenthal said he served in Vietnam when he really didn't. That's what politics has come down to now, when your campaign slogan is, 'I only lied four times.'Blumenthal said he is not apologizing for misleading people about his war record. He said all he did was use the word 'in' instead of the word 'during.' He insists he just 'misspoke.' You know, like using the word 'misspoke' instead of the word 'lying.'
From David Letterman:Well, Memorial Day weekend is ahead. I know it's only Wednesday, but you want to get a jump on being stuck at the airport for 24 hours.Memorial Day is the day we honor military heroes with a mattress blowout sale at Sleepy's.Ladies and gentlemen, this week is the 25th anniversary of Fleet Week, which is early this year, because the people in the Navy and the Coast Guard all wanted to get to the harbor before the oil slick did.You starting to get sick about the economy again? I was talking to my broker today. And he said: 'Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine.' Then the prison guards took him away.This is the end of the big TV viewing season. For example, 'Lost,' that's gone. 'Law & Order,' wrapping it up. Also say goodbye to the Gulf of Mexico.British Petroleum is now saying the oil spill was caused by a bad underwater cement job. You don't have that problem with the mob.John McCain is angry with British Petroleum. But in all fairness, he's had a grudge against the British since the Revolutionary War.Elena Kagan is the new Supreme Court nominee. If she's not confirmed, she is a Mets fan, so she's used to disappointment.
From Jimmy Kimmel:President Obama's big financial reform bill passed. From now on, bankers will be required to dress like robbers.They put a cap on ATM transaction fees, though a lot of the senators didn't want to discuss it because they've never used an ATM. The Senate has mobile cash machines — they're called 'lobbyists.'From Jimmy Fallon:A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans.And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government does not have better technology than BP. That's a nice thing to announce to the world, that our government has fewer resources than a company that tried to plug a hole with a 'top hat.'In fact, President Obama fired the head of the Mineral Management Services, because of lack of oversight of offshore oil rigs. It's got to be tough finding another job after that. It's like, 'I see you were head of the department in charge of preventing oil spills? And this was during the huge oil spill?' 'Yeah, that's right.' 'You may not be Wendy's material.'Last night was the finale of 'Dancing With the Stars' and Kate Gosselin made an appearance. I don't want to say it was bad, but this morning, the Pakistani Taliban took credit for it.BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean.The White House is backing a new plan to repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' They want to relax the harsh standard and implement their new policy, 'Just Try To Not Make It Super Obvious.'BP said today that in the worst-case scenario, it would take until August to clean up the Gulf Coast. That's not so bad. I mean, who goes in the ocean during the summer anyway?Octomom Nadya Suleman has a PETA sign in her front yard that encourages people to have their pets spayed or neutered. Isn't that kind of like BP putting out a sign that says 'Don't pee in the pool?'I heard that Paul McCartney invited the Jonas Brothers to his tribute at the White House next Wednesday because he thinks of them as the next Beatles. The Jonases were like, 'Oh, man, that is so nice of you — who are the Beatles?'It's pretty hard for fans of 'Lost' now that it's finally over. If people want to get their fix, they'll have to follow that other group that's lost and confused in the middle of the ocean. You know, BP.Fox News is launching a Web site this fall aimed at the Latino population. Latinos were like, 'Wait, what is Fox News aiming at?'On Saturday, Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to children in China. That was a nice break for the children from their job of making teddy bears.
From Bill Maher:How to describe Rand Paul? I mean, he's a doctor. It's as if Sarah Palin somehow made it through medical school. –Bill Maher, on Kentucky Senate candidate and Tea Party hero Rand PaulHe's an ophthalmologist, he does a lot of lasik surgery, and he has a lot of interesting points of view. Like he thinks Obama, because he went to Copenhagen where they were talking about global warming, is apologizing for the industrial revolution. He's against the Americans With Disabilities Act. He says restaurants should be able to refuse service to black people. And today, he said Obama was un-American for getting on BP's case for the oil spill. I tell you, the s**t doesn't fall far from the bat. –Bill Maher, on Rand Paul, son of Rep. Ron PaulEvery time this guy opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that the liberal media stop quoting him in context.I guess he's trying to get the press to get off the racism thing, so his big thing today was that the oil spill in the Gulf was the blame game. He said, 'Sometimes accidents happen.' Which is not really what you want to hear from the guy who's doing your lasik surgery.Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.Sunday, listen to this, they’re going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid.
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*** Colbert in funny form mocking just about everything once held sacred like food, jazz and beautiful women.
From Denny: Colbert is his usual cheeky self when he takes on threats to our country - the militaristic food police fighting national obesity, robots that can play jazz and dig it at the same time and pretty girls who give men heart attacks by raising their stress hormones. Hear Colbert comment upon society's ills and quirks.
*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
